.for them all to know the end of us all.

in the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should.

i think it's important to remember this. even if it seems like things are hopeless. because you can never really know. but just because the universe always works itself out in the end doesn't mean that it never loses control from time to time. this is where we step in. we have the power to say a big "fuck you" to the universe whenever we so choose. sometimes it deserves it.

sometimes i think too many people are afraid to take control of their own lives. everyone should be able to do the things that truly make them happy, and if it scares you, well get over it. if it's something you'll regret not doing then find any way possible to get it done. sometimes timing is everything. sometimes you have to make a lot of adjustments. or it might mean you keep piling on the loans. or that you'll feel extremely lonely for much longer than you'd like. that doesn't mean it won't be worth it.

wow, this is way to much philosophizing for this early in the morning (yes, 945 is early for me). i need to save it for tonight. experimental non-fiction essay, here i come.

ps. if you know anything about liberia, the art of tattooing or torture methods of the cross, i might want to talk to you.

and maybe i'll get the nerve to post my finished essay on here when i'm done. depending on how happy i am with it.

i'll work on that.


xoxo.m

.i wanna take you far from the cynics in this town.

good things

i have a phone interview with cnn.com this thursday. we'll see what happens. i'm kinda all about the freelancing idea right now, but i'm going to hear what they have to say.

dancing thursday night. finally.

i MIGHT be getting two free general admission tix to the my chem show in columbus next tuesday. i'm crossing fingers, toes, eyes, etc.

liz and i are going swimming tomorrow. i need to be in water right now. this is the best thing i can think to do.

i have a bottle of pinot in my fridge.

and since i haven't been able to really laugh lately, these videos have been helping. they come highly recommended:





everything else

well honestly, it's kind of sad when i have to sit down and list the good things. it means everything else is pretty much shitty in my eyes and i don't know how to fix it. i don't understand why this can't just be easy for once. and i'm still not sure that i'm doing the right thing. i lose either way.

i guess i just don't know what to do when everything just seems hopeless. when everything hurts. the scary thing is, i don't think it's really hit me yet. little by little. and one day i'm just going to burst. that scares me.

i'm really scared.

and this time i'm actually admitting it. i feel like i plunged off a cliff and broke every bone, organ and vein in my body and now i'm in the hospital and decided to take myself off life support. i just feel like i'm going crazy.

trust me, i never thought it would come to this. all the time spent gushing and being so ridiculously cheesy i thought i was going to make myself vomit, all of that, telling people i love about this amazing person now in my life, who i now secretly love more than everyone, and trying so hard not to smile but i can't help it. ignoring everyone else's warnings or their concerns (which i would do over again, so don't say 'i told you so,' because it doesn't matter). everyone knew how happy i was and now i just feel like a fool.

and i still love him. and i'll continue to do so. i don't really care much about what everyone else thinks, or about my pride, or about how anyone else perceives me. i do care that i can't seem to be happy about anything anymore.

i'm just this huge mess of worthless, unrelenting sadness, shame, guilt, anger, fear, blame, hopelessness, hurt and most of all love.

just drowning in it.


xoxo.m

.you gotta sink to swim.

sometimes i really don't deal well with not getting my way.

maybe that's not it, though. maybe it's that i don't deal well when i'm in control of a situation, or think i am, and i think things will go my way and then they don't.

maybe that's it.

sometimes you feel too good about yourself. sometimes you don't feel good enough.

most of the time it's just better to know. it's better to know than to deny things and pretend they don't exist.

"to most of existence there is an inner and an outer world. skin, bark, surface of the ocean open to reveal other realities. what is inside shapes and sustains what appears. so it is too with human consciousness. and yet the mind rarely has a simple connection to the inner life. at a certain age we begin to define ourselves, to choose an image of who we are. i am this and not that, we say, attempting thus to erase whatever is within us that does not fit our idea of who we should be. in time we forget our earliest selves and replace that memory with the image we have constructed at the bidding of others."

--susan griffin

yeah, she probably said it better.

i didn't get the two major internships i was looking at. one i wanted, one was kind of just there and convenient. i wasn't expecting one and i'm glad i didn't get the other, really. it would have been hard to turn down but i didn't really want it. but it would have been nice.

now i'm just frustrated. and not so much worried. but maybe a little scared.

who really knows. i sure don't.

sometimes i think i just keep typing because i'm trying to work something out in my head and my thoughts race so fast and i type faster than i write.

the summer seems so close to me.

it's a little scary, yes.


xoxo.m

---
for i am the first and the last. i am the honored one and scorned one. i am the whore and the holy one. i am the wife and the virgin. i am the barren one, and many are her sons. i am the silence that is incomprehensible

i am the utterance of my name

GNOSTIC
---