.i wanna take you far from the cynics in this town.

good things

i have a phone interview with cnn.com this thursday. we'll see what happens. i'm kinda all about the freelancing idea right now, but i'm going to hear what they have to say.

dancing thursday night. finally.

i MIGHT be getting two free general admission tix to the my chem show in columbus next tuesday. i'm crossing fingers, toes, eyes, etc.

liz and i are going swimming tomorrow. i need to be in water right now. this is the best thing i can think to do.

i have a bottle of pinot in my fridge.

and since i haven't been able to really laugh lately, these videos have been helping. they come highly recommended:





everything else

well honestly, it's kind of sad when i have to sit down and list the good things. it means everything else is pretty much shitty in my eyes and i don't know how to fix it. i don't understand why this can't just be easy for once. and i'm still not sure that i'm doing the right thing. i lose either way.

i guess i just don't know what to do when everything just seems hopeless. when everything hurts. the scary thing is, i don't think it's really hit me yet. little by little. and one day i'm just going to burst. that scares me.

i'm really scared.

and this time i'm actually admitting it. i feel like i plunged off a cliff and broke every bone, organ and vein in my body and now i'm in the hospital and decided to take myself off life support. i just feel like i'm going crazy.

trust me, i never thought it would come to this. all the time spent gushing and being so ridiculously cheesy i thought i was going to make myself vomit, all of that, telling people i love about this amazing person now in my life, who i now secretly love more than everyone, and trying so hard not to smile but i can't help it. ignoring everyone else's warnings or their concerns (which i would do over again, so don't say 'i told you so,' because it doesn't matter). everyone knew how happy i was and now i just feel like a fool.

and i still love him. and i'll continue to do so. i don't really care much about what everyone else thinks, or about my pride, or about how anyone else perceives me. i do care that i can't seem to be happy about anything anymore.

i'm just this huge mess of worthless, unrelenting sadness, shame, guilt, anger, fear, blame, hopelessness, hurt and most of all love.

just drowning in it.


xoxo.m