.and i'm a million different people.

i have the song bittersweet symphony stuck in my head. the verve, what a great band. except i'm hearing the lucas rossi version in my head. shaking my head doesn't get it out.

it's raining really hard today and i am despising it.

i am also getting terribly bored with this blog. i had all these fun things i was going to do with it, and make it pretty and all that. never happened. i think i'm just going to finally put together my own portfolio site. possibly start another blog. we'll see.

this post was completely irrelevant.


xoxo.m

.bullet with butterfly wings.

so remember what i said about the free time thing? apparently i can't just keep things simple. yesterday i got a phone call telling me that i am now one of the two managing editors for thescoop08.com.

i am beyond excited about this. i was hoping for something a little higher than what we were discussing. but this threw me into idea mode - ideas swimming and me trying to remember all of them. then my brain fried out. i had a mimosa and some fruit. then i had to recuperate in order to put together job descriptions (they put me right to work!). it was funny, as we were talking and editors-in-chief were offering me the position, a small part of my brain was pounding and moaning in agony. what was i thinking? i had been almost relieved at the end of the school year to be done with being managing editor for speakeasy, and all the craziness and headaches that incurred. what was i thinking taking on a similar position with, arguably, more pressure?

it's because it's what i do. i'll probably end up spending every waking moment on it (story of my life) while not getting paid (story of my life, part 2). but it's what i do. it's what i needed. a jolt. i'm not happy unless i'm throwing myself into something i'm passionate about and something i believe in. while my internships are great - providing great experiences and much-needed financial help - they don't make me feel like that phone call did.

the summer has been amazing so far. a good break. some relaxing weekends. but i was starting to feel that drag. the drag of going home at the end of the day with nothing else on my mind - and yeah it's nice to have some time to get the dishes done, clean up every once in a while, spend a day at the beach, etc. but after a month of that, i'm ready for something else. the minute i got off the phone i practically screamed and i couldn't stop smiling.

this is what life is about, i think. that feeling. it can come from any number of things, i think, but for me, big chunk of it comes from throwing myself completely into a project that i truly believe in, that i'm truly passionate about, that can possibly make a difference in someone else's life too - whether it's through the reporters, the readers or both.

the impact is what counts.

because whether we are ready to admit it or not, nearly every little thing we do impacts society in one way or another. if you watched live earth this past weekend that was extremely evident (btw, i got to see the smashing pumpkins, madonna and wolfmother perform - amazing). conservation, making a positive impact on the environment, doesn't have to come in the form of buying a hybrid vehicle. it's as small as recycling, using less water, less paper, running the air less. just being less wasteful. and it seems small but when you add everything up it can be a lot. it's like when you eat a bunch of small dishes and suddenly realize you're completely stuffed.

so i guess what i'm trying to (badly) weave together here is that for me, it's about impact. if i don't feel like i'm doing anything terribly worthwhile i don't feel productive. i don't necessarily feel like i'm creating anything beautiful or useful or both. there's something in me that needs to feel like i'm making a difference in the best way i know how.

and that's just me. but if you know how to produce that can't-stand-it-i'm-so-excited feeling, go fucking do it. just don't degrade it.

and keep your eyes open: thescoop08.com.



xoxo.m

ps. harry potter and the order of the phoenix starts wednesday (or midnight, tuesday night, if you're me) and i'm going to see from first to last at the knitting factory at the end of the month.

eeeee life is beautiful :-)

.now we live in another time.

so chuck was incredible. mind-altering. and you can read all about it here --> Chuck Palahniuk Reads Latest Work, No One Faints <-- my first blog for mediabistro.com :)

i'm pumped. even though a few paragraphs got cut. it was really long. but i'm an idiot and forgot to ask if there was a word limit. anyway, i'm still stoked about the whole thing.

hopefully there will be lots more of these.

besides the palahniuk event the weekend was pretty great. wrote a bunch. saw paris j'te aime (which was FABULOUS, btw). had a cup of coffee at aroma (and chocolate of course). started reading rant in the park at union sq. it was relaxing, actually.

i am always amazed at how much free time i have when i'm done with school. even though i still work all day, i can come home and not really have that much that i have to do right then. there aren't many urgent matters outside of my regular work day. it's a nice break, really.

still, there is one thing that could make everything better.

i also talked to the parentals yesterday. wished dad a happy father's day. and it's their anniversary today, woo woo. 25 years. crazy. this reminds me, i need to get their gift printed and sent off.

we're not the most punctual family. but the trade-off is we're lowkey. so it's nice.

i really miss my family sometimes. but if i'm going to be far far away from them i might as well be in new york city.


xoxo.m

ps. much to my own happiness the novelty of arriving at grand central three days out of the week for work has not yet worn off.

.chuck palahniuk.

i am only a few hours away from seeing chuck palahniuk at the strand. i can't even contain how excited i am. not to mention i have a first edition hardcover of "fight club" that i am going to have him sign (regardless of what the uptight owners of strand have to say about getting books signed that you didn't buy in the store that day). plus i'll be getting a copy of his new book, signed. whoo whoo. i can't wait.

i'll also be having dinner with the editor of thescoop08 to talk about my involvement. i can't wait. i have been looking forward to this ever since they said they wanted to meet with me.

and tonight jess and will be going to see paris je'te aime. ahhh what a fun day.

love it. i love new york.


xoxo.m

.i've got perfect placements.

at the risk of sounding like a total nerd (which i am), i love work.

monday, tuesday and wednesday i work at food & wine magazine, where i also do some work for travel & leisure, which is also owned by american express publishing. (this is not good for my travel bug, as i spend part of the day inputing information about luxury hotels in beautiful exotic places that i want to see). the building is a few blocks from times square, an area i typically avoid because of the sheer amount of people. it's annoying. however, it hasn't been as bad as i thought it was going to be. it's actually a novelty to walk through grand central every morning. although, i'm not sure how long that is going to last, but i'm enjoying it while it does.

the office is very corporate, business dress, cubicle city, that type of thing. but everyone is really friendly and let me jump right in on work. i've already learned how to work their databases and their content management system. they use spectra, which i like so far. although it's coldfusion, so you end up having to still hardcode a few things, i actually enjoy doing that part, so it's not bad at all.

and even though the area is really crowded, there's also tons of places to eat, and the building is right by bryant park, which is really beautiful. although, i don't really have time to enjoy it, it's usually packed at lunch and i'm on the clock. i think i'm going to start bringing a book to work though, and maybe relaxing and reading in the park for a bit after i'm done.

then today i started at mediabistro.com, which was already fabulous before i got there because it's in soho, practically on the corner of broadway and broome. founder laurel touby basically rented out the top floor of this amazing building and turned it into an open office space. it's beautiful, and much more casual than food & wine.

just today i learned how to update the revolving door, reformat the "how to pitch" articles, copy edit and i'm going to be able to contribute to the toolbox. i just have to think up something interesting and relevant to write about.

i think what i'm most excited about with mediabistro.com is having the opportunity to write and edit. as much as i love working in content management systems and coding and all that tech stuff, i do it all the time, especially with speakeasy. so while it's good to keep those skills in practice, i miss the actual nuts-and-bolts journalism part. i got into journalism because i love to write. and i've been woefully out of practice. and i think the mediabistro blogs might be the perfect place to really start building a great portfolio. food & wine also mentioned the possibility of writing a few things for their newsletter, or possibly original content for the web, which would also be great. so we'll see what happens.

again, i'm up too late for my own good. i'm excited about tomorrow. it's friday, and jess and i are going to see paris je'te aime at sunshine.

beautiful.


xoxo.m

.from fear through the eyes of madness.

i've been in nyc for not even a week and it already feels like i never left. which is a good thing. :-)

the last week of school and my week at home were so crazy i barely had time to breathe. at times i felt like i was going crazy. there were some good things: getting a scholarship, finished an A 18-page paper for my political islam class, moved into my house for fall, had a great 1920s dance party for speakeasy, saw carrie, smo and bridget and got to hang out with my family for a few days, etc.

thennn...new york! i was such a mess the night before. i waited SO long to pack, which meant i was up packing until 1am, and i had to get up at 315am to leave for my 545am flight out of pittsburgh. that night i was sad about leaving home, still feeling stressed from the past few weeks, and stressed that i hadn't finished my packing. my rushed packing jobs are not pretty and i tend to just throw random things in that i don't need. finally i just found myself sitting on my chair looking at all my open, empty bags and crying.

i finished though and a few hours later my mom and i were on our way. we always have great conversation when we have time to ourselves. she's probably the smartest, strongest, most caring person i know. i feel like every time we talk i learn something new or gain a new perspective on things, whether i agree with her or not.

and thank god she was with me, or i probably would have had a real breakdown. when i went to check my luggage we realized that my big suitcase was 15 pounds too heavy. and we were running late. so there i am, frantically pulling jackets and jeans out of my suitcase, pulling it off and putting it back on the scale trying to get it light enough so the attendants would take it. my poor mom, she kept grabbing the clothes i was pulling out asking how she was going to carry it all.

i was getting so upset though, i felt horrible and was panicking about missing my plane. when i came back from checking my bags my mom was folding the extra clothes and she could tell i was upset and went into soothing mom mode, which she is very very good at.

still, i was having the closest thing to a panic attack that i had ever felt while i rushed through security and to my gate. thankfully the flight started boarding late, so i had a chance to sit and breathe for a few minutes.

the flight was uneventful and finally i was in nyc. jess met me at the airport to greet me and help me get my luggage back to her apartment. we even got all of them up to her fifth-floor apartment in one trip!


jess and i at this amazing mexican restaurant, festival

the next day jess, kim and i made the trip out to coney island, which was one the most amazing things i've done in a long time. we rode the big wonder wheel with the swinging carts, took pictures in an antique photo booth (which i will post later), rode the cyclone (one of the most amazing rollercoasters EVER), and hung out on the beach for a while, swam even though the water was really cold, had hot dogs (a few times) and saw the coney island sideshow - featuring a guy who pounded a nail into his nose, a woman who shot electricity from her fingers and, the coolest thing ever, a woman who breathed fire. by the end of the night we were exhausted, so we came back, watched "dracula" and fell asleep shortly after.



kim, me and jess after just arriving at coney island!


the wonder wheel


jess and i, a little excited :-p


chowing down on a coney island hot dog


the cyclone is crAzy


kim, jess and i on the beach


me on the beach after my swim (it made me very happy)


where the freaks are

i'm getting tired, so i'll write more about work and such later. i'll just say now it's going great. i can't wait to start my internship with mediabistro thursday, and i get to see chuck palahniuk this saturday! eeeeeeeee!!!

okay, enough. i need to sleep. more later.


xoxo.m

ps - if you're in nyc or near, let me know!

.random.

keep your eye on this: TheScoop08

i applied to be a writer of sorts. of something. this is what i've been waiting to happen for the past two and a half years.

finally.

and then i realized [insert life lesson].

playing with formulas and using what's already been done as your guide, is the best path to finding your own, original voice.

i love the common language project.

between these two sites, it makes me feel like things are looking up.


xoxo.m

.i need you so much closer.

you see there's this song that i've avoided listening to because i know what it's about and i knew what it would do to me. but it came on random yesterday and then i put it on a playlist and now i can't stop listening to it even though it makes me cry every time. every single time. damnit.

the atlantic was born today and i'll tell yuo how...
the clouds above opened up and let it out

i was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
when the water filled every hole
and thousands upon thousands made an ocean
making islands where no island should go
oh no

those people were overjoyed; they took their boats
i thought it less like a lake and more like a moat
the rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more
the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
it seems farther than ever before
oh no

i need you so much closer

i need you so much closer
so come on, come on

too much of the time i feel like i'm just going to go crazy. this is all such a contradiction.


xoxo.m

.i've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots.

it's officially official. i will be interning in new york city this summer with food & wine magazine and mediabistro.com. i'm so so SO excited i can hardly stand it. i will be at food & wine mon-wed and then at mediabistro thur-fri, and covering events some nights and weekends. i also might be doing some freelance work in second life for ouwb, which would be some nice extra cash. my goal this summer is to hopefully make a little money instead of lose it.

of course i'll be in nyc so i'll be doing more than working, i hope :-p a ton of my friends are going to be there this summer. my 21st birthday is at the end of june. yay :) and i do not intend on missing warped this year, especially since coheed is playing!!!

things are looking up in that department for sure.

as for school, i adore my classes this quarter, even if they can be a little exhausting, especially political islam. trying to sort out the problems in the middle east isn't an easy task even for experts. soul of athens is shaping up amazing, and we just finished filming in second life and are waiting for ryan to do the edits. i recruited andy to help us out since he has an account, and it was so fun. i hadn't laughed that hard in a long time.

however, it really started hitting me yesterday that a lot of my good friends will be graduating. and no offense to anyone else, but i'm going to miss lizzle. a lot :( i'm super happy for her about her new job. but i think what i'm scared about is i saw how my friendships from home fell off after i left.

liz has become one of my absolute best friends and i have no intentions of letting us fall out of touch. she's a beautiful, strong, independent, creative, hilarious person to be around, and she's been by my side since the first day i moved to athens. of course, at that time i wasn't sure we were going to become so close. but over the course of three years we did. she's one of those people you just want to stay in your life. and i'm so proud of her and i wish her the best. but athens and ou won't be the same without her.

well i didn't mean to go into this drawn out "tribute to lizzle," but it needed to be done at some point.

i just wish i could come back to see her graduate :( plus, bill freakin' clinton is speaking! how crazy is that? and i could see jules and michael and tina all graduate. ugh, i wish it was just one weekend sooner!!!

hint: someone needs to post this on youtube ;)

but, we still have a few more weeks to go. in that time i have to do a 15-page paper, a 10-page essay, a big design project, finish up soul of athens promotions, along with finishing speakeasy's redesign and planning the party (save the date: thursday, may 31). not to mention have to pack and move out.

it's going to be a little crazy. but when are things not?

ps. next wednesday is journalism day. woo! and i'll be introducing the common language project at 9 a.m. in baker ballroom.check me out.


xoxo.m

.the exodus is here.

this is a song that was written by dan layman. i've seen him perform it three times and i've cried every single time. that was at least a year ago, probably longer, but i still listen to it and have a hard time holding back when i do. there's just something so true and sweet and honest about it, besides it having a personal relevance to my own life.

we could walk tonight, for tonight
i would show you the streetlights
make them laugh for you, cry for you
sing to you in the moonlight

i know i'm not what you'd expected
but trust me, it's the same for me
i'll be right there

forget philosophy, stay with me
substantiate my existence
in your touch i feel something real
i don't need definition

i know i'm not what you'd expected
but trust me, it's the same for me
i'll be right there

i know i'm not what you'd expected
but trust me, it's the same for me
i'll be right there

your smile is innocent, unreasoned
beauty in sweet incoherence
we could walk tonight, for tonight
i would show you the streetlights

i know i'm not what you'd expected
but trust me, it's the same for me
i'll be right there

for some reason i just feel like listening to this on repeat tonight. i really hate sleeping alone. i might move out the couch tonight, just for a change of venue.


xoxo.m

.face step, let down.

someone will always rain on your parade. even if it's the person you least expect to do so. the key is no matter how much their opinion means to you, don't let them do it. if you know you're doing the right thing then you can't let it matter.

there will be others cheering you on. and cherish those people more than anything.

that's all.


xoxo.m



---
run quick, they're behind us
didn't think we'd ever make it
this close to safety in one piece
now you wanna kill me in the act of what could maybe
save us from sleep and what we are

good eye, sniper
now i shoot, you run

a favor house atlantic | COHEED & CAMBRIA
---

.the world is trembling.

this sucks. i've had both a bird (the third one this year) and a mouse in my apartment in the past week. i'm about to go buy traps to catch this mouse. i feel disgusting and itchy all over. plus it's super hot in my apartment and we don't have air. ew ew ew.

i'm kind of afraid to leave my room. and i just hope that the mouse can't get under my door.

the day started out so good. and was going to end good - i got some work done, got some cold stone, was ready to write a little. then i see the mouse scurrying along behind the tv stand.

go figure.

well i'm out of here. and i'll be back soon trying to catch this thing.


xoxo.m

.for them all to know the end of us all.

in the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should.

i think it's important to remember this. even if it seems like things are hopeless. because you can never really know. but just because the universe always works itself out in the end doesn't mean that it never loses control from time to time. this is where we step in. we have the power to say a big "fuck you" to the universe whenever we so choose. sometimes it deserves it.

sometimes i think too many people are afraid to take control of their own lives. everyone should be able to do the things that truly make them happy, and if it scares you, well get over it. if it's something you'll regret not doing then find any way possible to get it done. sometimes timing is everything. sometimes you have to make a lot of adjustments. or it might mean you keep piling on the loans. or that you'll feel extremely lonely for much longer than you'd like. that doesn't mean it won't be worth it.

wow, this is way to much philosophizing for this early in the morning (yes, 945 is early for me). i need to save it for tonight. experimental non-fiction essay, here i come.

ps. if you know anything about liberia, the art of tattooing or torture methods of the cross, i might want to talk to you.

and maybe i'll get the nerve to post my finished essay on here when i'm done. depending on how happy i am with it.

i'll work on that.


xoxo.m

.i wanna take you far from the cynics in this town.

good things

i have a phone interview with cnn.com this thursday. we'll see what happens. i'm kinda all about the freelancing idea right now, but i'm going to hear what they have to say.

dancing thursday night. finally.

i MIGHT be getting two free general admission tix to the my chem show in columbus next tuesday. i'm crossing fingers, toes, eyes, etc.

liz and i are going swimming tomorrow. i need to be in water right now. this is the best thing i can think to do.

i have a bottle of pinot in my fridge.

and since i haven't been able to really laugh lately, these videos have been helping. they come highly recommended:





everything else

well honestly, it's kind of sad when i have to sit down and list the good things. it means everything else is pretty much shitty in my eyes and i don't know how to fix it. i don't understand why this can't just be easy for once. and i'm still not sure that i'm doing the right thing. i lose either way.

i guess i just don't know what to do when everything just seems hopeless. when everything hurts. the scary thing is, i don't think it's really hit me yet. little by little. and one day i'm just going to burst. that scares me.

i'm really scared.

and this time i'm actually admitting it. i feel like i plunged off a cliff and broke every bone, organ and vein in my body and now i'm in the hospital and decided to take myself off life support. i just feel like i'm going crazy.

trust me, i never thought it would come to this. all the time spent gushing and being so ridiculously cheesy i thought i was going to make myself vomit, all of that, telling people i love about this amazing person now in my life, who i now secretly love more than everyone, and trying so hard not to smile but i can't help it. ignoring everyone else's warnings or their concerns (which i would do over again, so don't say 'i told you so,' because it doesn't matter). everyone knew how happy i was and now i just feel like a fool.

and i still love him. and i'll continue to do so. i don't really care much about what everyone else thinks, or about my pride, or about how anyone else perceives me. i do care that i can't seem to be happy about anything anymore.

i'm just this huge mess of worthless, unrelenting sadness, shame, guilt, anger, fear, blame, hopelessness, hurt and most of all love.

just drowning in it.


xoxo.m

.you gotta sink to swim.

sometimes i really don't deal well with not getting my way.

maybe that's not it, though. maybe it's that i don't deal well when i'm in control of a situation, or think i am, and i think things will go my way and then they don't.

maybe that's it.

sometimes you feel too good about yourself. sometimes you don't feel good enough.

most of the time it's just better to know. it's better to know than to deny things and pretend they don't exist.

"to most of existence there is an inner and an outer world. skin, bark, surface of the ocean open to reveal other realities. what is inside shapes and sustains what appears. so it is too with human consciousness. and yet the mind rarely has a simple connection to the inner life. at a certain age we begin to define ourselves, to choose an image of who we are. i am this and not that, we say, attempting thus to erase whatever is within us that does not fit our idea of who we should be. in time we forget our earliest selves and replace that memory with the image we have constructed at the bidding of others."

--susan griffin

yeah, she probably said it better.

i didn't get the two major internships i was looking at. one i wanted, one was kind of just there and convenient. i wasn't expecting one and i'm glad i didn't get the other, really. it would have been hard to turn down but i didn't really want it. but it would have been nice.

now i'm just frustrated. and not so much worried. but maybe a little scared.

who really knows. i sure don't.

sometimes i think i just keep typing because i'm trying to work something out in my head and my thoughts race so fast and i type faster than i write.

the summer seems so close to me.

it's a little scary, yes.


xoxo.m

---
for i am the first and the last. i am the honored one and scorned one. i am the whore and the holy one. i am the wife and the virgin. i am the barren one, and many are her sons. i am the silence that is incomprehensible

i am the utterance of my name

GNOSTIC
---

.dice.

i was crying over you
i am smiling i think of you
where your garden has no walls
breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
i was crying over you
i am smiling i think of you
misty morning and water falls
breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
virtuous sensibility
escape velocity
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell
nothing

i miss you.


xoxo.m

.nothing can compare.

make it go away...


xoxo.m

.i love you even though it isn't fair.

you know you haven’t lived your life until
someone comes along and puts together the pieces for you.
you never realize that your soul is broken in two
just waiting.
patiently waiting, unknowingly searching, unwilling incomplete
and one day you get shot
and you see that wound bleeding uncontrollably
and it’s probably the worst pain you’ve ever felt in your entire life.
you’re dying.
and for the first time you realize your life is not as you thought it was.
you’re soul is not as you thought it was.
it’s not whole like you assumed it to be.
and everything you once knew is no longer true.
you’re life is no longer yours.
and whether or not it’s something that everyone feels at their death.
you know that it is the truest thing you’ve ever known.
because someone is suddenly standing there affirming it.
affirming these epiphanies that will shake your world in ways you never imagined.
someone you never saw before, you never noticed before,
you never imagined would ever be a part of your life.
they’ve put a steaming hole through your heart.
they’re forcing you to notice them.
challenging you to see them, and believe in them
and love them.
like you’ve never loved anyone before.
like you’ll never love anyone again.
when did your life become complete?
better yet, when did you become complete.
when your soul stop searching and start learning?
start loving.
start understanding.
that i won’t ever be happier than this.
than i am in this moment.
and i could meet every single being on this earth
and i could see every inch of land and nothing will ever be as beautiful
will make me smile like i do now.
maybe it had to happen this way.
maybe you had to take my life and rebuild it with you in it.
because otherwise i wouldn’t be me.
i’d still be broken.
and i wouldn’t even know it.


xoxo.m

.you know i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.

wow it's been forever since i've written anything on here. i think i just reached that eighth-week burnout and stopped caring. it's been a very stressful couple weeks, in terms of everything. i'm not always sure how i stay sane through all of it. i know i tend to put a lot on myself and take on maybe more than i can handle sometimes.

i guess my eyes are bigger than my stomach. they always have been. that's what my mom tells me anyway.

i think one thing being at school has taught me though, is how to deal with failing. okay, maybe it's not fair to call it failing. i don't necessarily consider it that. sometimes i think you can really only truly fail if you give up on something you want. there are times when you need to cut your losses and reevaluate your goals, strategies, etc. but that doesn't necessarily mean you've failed. it means you're doing what you need to do to eventually succeed.

i learned that after my freshman year. when i realized that being superwoman didn't necessarily mean having the ability to do everything. maybe it just meant being really good at the things that mattered the most. i guess it's sometimes hard to know what really matters too. you just have to trust yourself, really. which can be more difficult than you'd think.

it's kind of funny to think about evaluating the job your parents did in raising you. but i think one of the things my parents were excellent about was the balance between letting me have my independence, but not giving me too much too soon. it was a slow process. and by my senior year of high school they were starting to let me make my own decisions about things. i've always craved independence. even when i was little. the last time i was home my parents were watching home movies my grandma had brought over (this is probably only the second time they've ever watched home movies - i think with brother graduating they're getting sentimental on me - and one was from when brother was born. and my mom commented, "i forgot how independent you were, even back then." apparently i wanted to do everything myself.

i guess some things never change.

so yesterday when my computer basically stopped working on me (and this has happened several times), it killed me to have to call my parents and ask for help. i mean, i was seriously freaking out, tears and all (this computer caused me way too much stress, if you can't tell). i finally broke down and called my parents. they were talking about getting me a new computer when i graduated anyway, so i just got it a little early. i ended up running down to walm and buying a toshiba. i hate patronizing walm, but it was cheap and it runs really well. it's incredible to have a computer that runs so fast. i think with all the things that i have to use my computer for, that gateway just couldn't take it. i was hard on it, i'll admit. it's pretty ghetto looking.

anyway, so i'm settled for now and a lot calmer. i guess the point is, you can't do or deal with everything yourself, no matter how much you want to be able to. i always feel horrible calling and asking my parents for money or anything, just because they've already given me so much. they're the most selfless, generous and caring people i know. i hope i can be like that someday. and i hope someday i can give a small portion of that back to them. in some way.

my grandma always tells me i have the best parents in the world. sometimes i think she's just biased. but she's right.

so as always, this post has gone on way longer than i intended it to. and i have a horrific finals week to prepare for:
monday: graphics final
tuesday: history final, history paper due (5 pgs. - compare two or more nationalist movements in 19th/20th century middle east and analyze Daughter of Persia and Arab and Jew)
wednesday: myth & symbolism final
friday: online journalism seminar paper due (12 pgs. - network neutrality)

sometimes i don't understand professors. i met with my history professor, who i love, but i had gotten B's on the first paper and midterm and was a little concerned. so i was just asking what i could improve upon for the final paper and final. she took my paper and test and looked at my grades and goes, "you did well! these are some of the highest grades in the class."

wtf?

i guess i'm just a perfectionist. she gave me some good tips though. my goal is to get at least an A- on both my final paper and final. i guess she's just a tough grader. but honestly, that's how college classes are supposed to go. you're supposed to work your ass off for a B. sometimes i get frustrated at how easily A's are thrown out (depending on the class and how it's set up), as hard as i work to get them, sometimes it's not satisfying to get an A if everyone else does too.

you might have thought it was hard to go from a relatively easy 4.2 GPA in high school to getting B's in grammar classes. well, i am in one of the top 5 journalism schools in the country. shouldn't it be difficult? i was devastated at that first B. and worried about my parents being disappointed. so i was upset for a while. but i adjusted. i adjusted to the fact that grades aren't the almighty decider of my future, and that in the long run what i end up learning (not what a test said i learned) both in and out of the classroom, the activities i participate in, the connections i make, the ambition and drive i exude to professors and peers - all of that matters so much more than the difference between an A or a B.

or maybe i'm just good at adjusting to new environments. i'm not sure where that comes from, considering i lived in the same small town and house for 18 years. maybe i was just invigorated by the change. i think that was a lot of it.

and i'm a year away from another big change: graduation.

i'm sure i'll be more freaked out at the beginning of next year. but the idea of graduating is terribly exciting right now.

however, i have to keep perspective. i can't take my eyes off of what is happening now. and there are a lot of things happening now. right now. i don't want to miss them.


xoxo.m





---
it's simple
how you complete my core
so potent in your eyes
to move mountains
to burn skies

we've broken
our arms and throats
for our portraits
demons or not
it doesn't make a difference to me
i'm so tired of screaming

in the mecca of us
we all glow forever

glow worm [demo] - SONNY
---

.i scratched my knees.

ugh. i just want this week to be over.

maybe my head will stop spinning. it'd be nice if it stopped raining too. i feel like im starting to get sick. i took this herb thingy my mom recommended to try and stop that from happening. so we'll see.

i'm staying in tonight to see if i can pretty much finish all the things i have to do. hah.


xoxo.m