.for them all to know the end of us all.

in the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should.

i think it's important to remember this. even if it seems like things are hopeless. because you can never really know. but just because the universe always works itself out in the end doesn't mean that it never loses control from time to time. this is where we step in. we have the power to say a big "fuck you" to the universe whenever we so choose. sometimes it deserves it.

sometimes i think too many people are afraid to take control of their own lives. everyone should be able to do the things that truly make them happy, and if it scares you, well get over it. if it's something you'll regret not doing then find any way possible to get it done. sometimes timing is everything. sometimes you have to make a lot of adjustments. or it might mean you keep piling on the loans. or that you'll feel extremely lonely for much longer than you'd like. that doesn't mean it won't be worth it.

wow, this is way to much philosophizing for this early in the morning (yes, 945 is early for me). i need to save it for tonight. experimental non-fiction essay, here i come.

ps. if you know anything about liberia, the art of tattooing or torture methods of the cross, i might want to talk to you.

and maybe i'll get the nerve to post my finished essay on here when i'm done. depending on how happy i am with it.

i'll work on that.


xoxo.m

.i wanna take you far from the cynics in this town.

good things

i have a phone interview with cnn.com this thursday. we'll see what happens. i'm kinda all about the freelancing idea right now, but i'm going to hear what they have to say.

dancing thursday night. finally.

i MIGHT be getting two free general admission tix to the my chem show in columbus next tuesday. i'm crossing fingers, toes, eyes, etc.

liz and i are going swimming tomorrow. i need to be in water right now. this is the best thing i can think to do.

i have a bottle of pinot in my fridge.

and since i haven't been able to really laugh lately, these videos have been helping. they come highly recommended:





everything else

well honestly, it's kind of sad when i have to sit down and list the good things. it means everything else is pretty much shitty in my eyes and i don't know how to fix it. i don't understand why this can't just be easy for once. and i'm still not sure that i'm doing the right thing. i lose either way.

i guess i just don't know what to do when everything just seems hopeless. when everything hurts. the scary thing is, i don't think it's really hit me yet. little by little. and one day i'm just going to burst. that scares me.

i'm really scared.

and this time i'm actually admitting it. i feel like i plunged off a cliff and broke every bone, organ and vein in my body and now i'm in the hospital and decided to take myself off life support. i just feel like i'm going crazy.

trust me, i never thought it would come to this. all the time spent gushing and being so ridiculously cheesy i thought i was going to make myself vomit, all of that, telling people i love about this amazing person now in my life, who i now secretly love more than everyone, and trying so hard not to smile but i can't help it. ignoring everyone else's warnings or their concerns (which i would do over again, so don't say 'i told you so,' because it doesn't matter). everyone knew how happy i was and now i just feel like a fool.

and i still love him. and i'll continue to do so. i don't really care much about what everyone else thinks, or about my pride, or about how anyone else perceives me. i do care that i can't seem to be happy about anything anymore.

i'm just this huge mess of worthless, unrelenting sadness, shame, guilt, anger, fear, blame, hopelessness, hurt and most of all love.

just drowning in it.


xoxo.m

.you gotta sink to swim.

sometimes i really don't deal well with not getting my way.

maybe that's not it, though. maybe it's that i don't deal well when i'm in control of a situation, or think i am, and i think things will go my way and then they don't.

maybe that's it.

sometimes you feel too good about yourself. sometimes you don't feel good enough.

most of the time it's just better to know. it's better to know than to deny things and pretend they don't exist.

"to most of existence there is an inner and an outer world. skin, bark, surface of the ocean open to reveal other realities. what is inside shapes and sustains what appears. so it is too with human consciousness. and yet the mind rarely has a simple connection to the inner life. at a certain age we begin to define ourselves, to choose an image of who we are. i am this and not that, we say, attempting thus to erase whatever is within us that does not fit our idea of who we should be. in time we forget our earliest selves and replace that memory with the image we have constructed at the bidding of others."

--susan griffin

yeah, she probably said it better.

i didn't get the two major internships i was looking at. one i wanted, one was kind of just there and convenient. i wasn't expecting one and i'm glad i didn't get the other, really. it would have been hard to turn down but i didn't really want it. but it would have been nice.

now i'm just frustrated. and not so much worried. but maybe a little scared.

who really knows. i sure don't.

sometimes i think i just keep typing because i'm trying to work something out in my head and my thoughts race so fast and i type faster than i write.

the summer seems so close to me.

it's a little scary, yes.


xoxo.m

---
for i am the first and the last. i am the honored one and scorned one. i am the whore and the holy one. i am the wife and the virgin. i am the barren one, and many are her sons. i am the silence that is incomprehensible

i am the utterance of my name

GNOSTIC
---

.dice.

i was crying over you
i am smiling i think of you
where your garden has no walls
breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
i was crying over you
i am smiling i think of you
misty morning and water falls
breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
virtuous sensibility
escape velocity
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me
breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell
nothing

i miss you.


xoxo.m

.nothing can compare.

make it go away...


xoxo.m

.i love you even though it isn't fair.

you know you haven’t lived your life until
someone comes along and puts together the pieces for you.
you never realize that your soul is broken in two
just waiting.
patiently waiting, unknowingly searching, unwilling incomplete
and one day you get shot
and you see that wound bleeding uncontrollably
and it’s probably the worst pain you’ve ever felt in your entire life.
you’re dying.
and for the first time you realize your life is not as you thought it was.
you’re soul is not as you thought it was.
it’s not whole like you assumed it to be.
and everything you once knew is no longer true.
you’re life is no longer yours.
and whether or not it’s something that everyone feels at their death.
you know that it is the truest thing you’ve ever known.
because someone is suddenly standing there affirming it.
affirming these epiphanies that will shake your world in ways you never imagined.
someone you never saw before, you never noticed before,
you never imagined would ever be a part of your life.
they’ve put a steaming hole through your heart.
they’re forcing you to notice them.
challenging you to see them, and believe in them
and love them.
like you’ve never loved anyone before.
like you’ll never love anyone again.
when did your life become complete?
better yet, when did you become complete.
when your soul stop searching and start learning?
start loving.
start understanding.
that i won’t ever be happier than this.
than i am in this moment.
and i could meet every single being on this earth
and i could see every inch of land and nothing will ever be as beautiful
will make me smile like i do now.
maybe it had to happen this way.
maybe you had to take my life and rebuild it with you in it.
because otherwise i wouldn’t be me.
i’d still be broken.
and i wouldn’t even know it.


xoxo.m

.you know i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.

wow it's been forever since i've written anything on here. i think i just reached that eighth-week burnout and stopped caring. it's been a very stressful couple weeks, in terms of everything. i'm not always sure how i stay sane through all of it. i know i tend to put a lot on myself and take on maybe more than i can handle sometimes.

i guess my eyes are bigger than my stomach. they always have been. that's what my mom tells me anyway.

i think one thing being at school has taught me though, is how to deal with failing. okay, maybe it's not fair to call it failing. i don't necessarily consider it that. sometimes i think you can really only truly fail if you give up on something you want. there are times when you need to cut your losses and reevaluate your goals, strategies, etc. but that doesn't necessarily mean you've failed. it means you're doing what you need to do to eventually succeed.

i learned that after my freshman year. when i realized that being superwoman didn't necessarily mean having the ability to do everything. maybe it just meant being really good at the things that mattered the most. i guess it's sometimes hard to know what really matters too. you just have to trust yourself, really. which can be more difficult than you'd think.

it's kind of funny to think about evaluating the job your parents did in raising you. but i think one of the things my parents were excellent about was the balance between letting me have my independence, but not giving me too much too soon. it was a slow process. and by my senior year of high school they were starting to let me make my own decisions about things. i've always craved independence. even when i was little. the last time i was home my parents were watching home movies my grandma had brought over (this is probably only the second time they've ever watched home movies - i think with brother graduating they're getting sentimental on me - and one was from when brother was born. and my mom commented, "i forgot how independent you were, even back then." apparently i wanted to do everything myself.

i guess some things never change.

so yesterday when my computer basically stopped working on me (and this has happened several times), it killed me to have to call my parents and ask for help. i mean, i was seriously freaking out, tears and all (this computer caused me way too much stress, if you can't tell). i finally broke down and called my parents. they were talking about getting me a new computer when i graduated anyway, so i just got it a little early. i ended up running down to walm and buying a toshiba. i hate patronizing walm, but it was cheap and it runs really well. it's incredible to have a computer that runs so fast. i think with all the things that i have to use my computer for, that gateway just couldn't take it. i was hard on it, i'll admit. it's pretty ghetto looking.

anyway, so i'm settled for now and a lot calmer. i guess the point is, you can't do or deal with everything yourself, no matter how much you want to be able to. i always feel horrible calling and asking my parents for money or anything, just because they've already given me so much. they're the most selfless, generous and caring people i know. i hope i can be like that someday. and i hope someday i can give a small portion of that back to them. in some way.

my grandma always tells me i have the best parents in the world. sometimes i think she's just biased. but she's right.

so as always, this post has gone on way longer than i intended it to. and i have a horrific finals week to prepare for:
monday: graphics final
tuesday: history final, history paper due (5 pgs. - compare two or more nationalist movements in 19th/20th century middle east and analyze Daughter of Persia and Arab and Jew)
wednesday: myth & symbolism final
friday: online journalism seminar paper due (12 pgs. - network neutrality)

sometimes i don't understand professors. i met with my history professor, who i love, but i had gotten B's on the first paper and midterm and was a little concerned. so i was just asking what i could improve upon for the final paper and final. she took my paper and test and looked at my grades and goes, "you did well! these are some of the highest grades in the class."

wtf?

i guess i'm just a perfectionist. she gave me some good tips though. my goal is to get at least an A- on both my final paper and final. i guess she's just a tough grader. but honestly, that's how college classes are supposed to go. you're supposed to work your ass off for a B. sometimes i get frustrated at how easily A's are thrown out (depending on the class and how it's set up), as hard as i work to get them, sometimes it's not satisfying to get an A if everyone else does too.

you might have thought it was hard to go from a relatively easy 4.2 GPA in high school to getting B's in grammar classes. well, i am in one of the top 5 journalism schools in the country. shouldn't it be difficult? i was devastated at that first B. and worried about my parents being disappointed. so i was upset for a while. but i adjusted. i adjusted to the fact that grades aren't the almighty decider of my future, and that in the long run what i end up learning (not what a test said i learned) both in and out of the classroom, the activities i participate in, the connections i make, the ambition and drive i exude to professors and peers - all of that matters so much more than the difference between an A or a B.

or maybe i'm just good at adjusting to new environments. i'm not sure where that comes from, considering i lived in the same small town and house for 18 years. maybe i was just invigorated by the change. i think that was a lot of it.

and i'm a year away from another big change: graduation.

i'm sure i'll be more freaked out at the beginning of next year. but the idea of graduating is terribly exciting right now.

however, i have to keep perspective. i can't take my eyes off of what is happening now. and there are a lot of things happening now. right now. i don't want to miss them.


xoxo.m





---
it's simple
how you complete my core
so potent in your eyes
to move mountains
to burn skies

we've broken
our arms and throats
for our portraits
demons or not
it doesn't make a difference to me
i'm so tired of screaming

in the mecca of us
we all glow forever

glow worm [demo] - SONNY
---

.i scratched my knees.

ugh. i just want this week to be over.

maybe my head will stop spinning. it'd be nice if it stopped raining too. i feel like im starting to get sick. i took this herb thingy my mom recommended to try and stop that from happening. so we'll see.

i'm staying in tonight to see if i can pretty much finish all the things i have to do. hah.


xoxo.m

.this is something you'll never understand.

so i thought i could avoid posting about valentine's day altogether.

i also thought i was so not a flower person, and completely above tired cliches. then today, for some reason, these...



...made me smile like no other.

no, i won't snap out of it. i refuse. because it's beautiful how the simplest thing can make you feel so loved.


xoxo.m

ps. happy birthday leah!

.it's still an obsession.

i decided i couldn’t sit down and write my book report that’s due tomorrow until i talked about this weekend.

thursday day me, liz, jules and michael began our weekend trip to knoxville, tn to visit with bob benz and the scripps operations. this trip is starting to become an annual one with speakeasy members. it's a great chance to keep up with an influential company in the business, get the word out to professionals about our publication and actually learn something just by talking with scripps employees.

we left thursday night, about two hours later than we planned (anyone surprised?) and between bathroom stops and being pulled over by the police for speeding, we didn't make it to benz's house until 330am.

luckily, benz is one of the coolest people on the planet, and didn't mind that we snuck into his house long after he and his wife and their four dogs went to bed. we crashed as soon as we got in. i got the air mattress. leave it to benz to have the most comfortable air mattresses in the world.

after only three hours of sleep we were up and ready to go to breakfast with lara. it was delicious, even though i had way too much food, as usual. then we started a full day that benz's secretary had put together for us - meetings with different people at the network that talked with us and gave us advice on everything from content, multimedia, content management systems, programming, advertising and pr efforts and our redesign.

i think i learned more that day than a quarter's worth of journalism classes could have taught me. it was so amazing for us to sit down with professionals, tell them about us and speakeasy (and brag a little in the process) and collect pages worth of notes and ideas about how to proceed with speakeasy, and our careers in general.

those sessions were also a little redeeming, in the fact that they were so impressed with us and speakeasy, it was a big confidence booster. the four of us are incredibly (and nerdily) passionate about speakeasy, the internet, writing, design, multimedia and journalism in general, and i think it showed. maybe a little too strong, but hey, it happens.

basically i got to spend the whole weekend surrounded by people who are, in some ways, looking to us to help shape the future of journalism. it's in such flux right now and there's no telling what will happen or how current problems will be fixed. they were incredibly intelligent and exerienced individuals and were so excited to be talking to us, and were so helpful.

after such an amazing and exhausting day we decided just to head back to benz's house and decide about dinner from there. we left the knox news headquarters around 6ish and somehow ended up turning what would normally be a 20-minute drive into over an hour drive that included a stop for coffee and us managing to circle around back to the knox news. we were so tired and we just kept laughing at our incredible lack of observation when it came to trying to find the exit we needed. i will say this though, knoxville's roads are very confusing.

we finally made it back and sat down with benz by the fireplace and began chatting about our day. at one point he opened a couple bottles of wine and set out some lasagna, salad and bread for us to have dinner. the conversation continued over dinner and we probably talked about everything from newspapers to religion to the brilliance of south park.

after dinner michael, benz and i sat down back in front of the fireplace. we started working on some speakeasy things (we're impossible, i know), drank more wine and kept talking. it was such a great evening, getting benz's perspectives on everything and talking to him about ours. for the second year in a row i had that feeling that he wasn't just sitting there trying to recruit us but was really just acting as a mentor, helping us figure our shit out. especially considering everyone's graduating so soon (and everyone will be leaving me).

i finally passed out that night around nearly 1am. which meant that i had been awake for about 22 hours. as soon as my head hit the pillow i was out.

the next morning i woke up at about 745 with a big headache. i managed to fall asleep again, and was woken up around 9ish by parker's text (i never mind being woken up by him, though) and pulled my computer over to talk to him. i still had a throbbing headache and i wasn't even sure why. i never get headaches.

by noon we were all finally up and ready to go out to lunch with benz and his wife, lara, and their friend, sarah. we went to this really amazing mexican place. although, i wish i could've enjoyed it more. by that time my headache was really killing me, especically right over my eye, and it was starting to make me feel sick. the mexican didn't help.

headaches must be contagious, because liz, jules and michael all started complaining of headaches as well, so we stopped at a cvs on the way back to buy some advil, alieve and cinnamon altoids. i took two liquigels immediately. it was seriously the worst headache i've ever had. i've never had a migraine before, so this might have been one or might not have. but it hurt like hell.

when we got back i went upstairs to set my bag down and make sure all my stuff was packed. then the air mattress looked so comfortable and i just laid down and curled up in my jacket and pulled the covers over my legs. i heard everyone else come upstairs and grab their things, but i was too out of it to even lift my head.

around 430ish liz came and woke me up. we were going to meet caren for dinner at 5 before we left. it didn't feel like my head hurt anymore, but the minute i stood up it came back again real bad. but after i was up and walking around and talking it got better.

we met caren at this place called the sunspot cafe near ut, and it was fabulous. the food was great (i had a turkey wrap) and we talked about speakeasy and graduating and jobs and it was great. the ideas were flowing and again i felt so great about what i was doing and the people i was doing it with. i don't know if i can ever see myself working for scripps, but i'm really happy for caren, she seems to be doing really great, and i know when liz, jules and michael graduate this spring they're going to do some amazing things.

around 7pm we finally tore ourselves away and piled in the car, eager to get back to athens and sleep and start thinking about how to put everything we had learned into action.

the drive went pretty quick for the first four hours. we just kept talking. talking about our ideas, what we want to do when we're all done with school, how things need to be changed and how we think we can change them. experiences like this weekend, the ONA conferences and the endless conversation between liz, jules, michael and i constantly remind me why i am in journalism in the first place. i could have sat in that car and talked for hours with them about it. so many times we were all so engaged that we'd miss exits. it just gives me this high. and it's not this every-once-in-a-while high that i'll get for a day and then forget about. it's always there. it's this drug that's always in my veins, and when i'm around people who understand it and feel it and can't stop talking about it, i have a place for that energy and that high to flow and jump off the charts. and even though it might settle in the face of the mundane and the daily routine, it's always there. it's what drives me.

so we drove. and laughed. and talked admist the occassional playing of "love me or hate me" by lady sovereign (which, btw, is now michael's theme song) and sufjan. and somewhere around 11pm, with jules and liz sleeping in the back and while michael and i talked about random things, we were scared to death by what sounded like a jet enginge starting up.

realizing that we had actually blown a tire didn't make us feel any better.

there we were in the bumblefuck that is west virginia with a blown back tire, sitting on the side of the highway in the dark. it was beginning of a clusterfuck. or a delightful campy horror flick.

thank god for AAA. or more like thank god that liz, jules and michael all have AAA. we called and some super nice guy came in a tow truck to put on our spare tire while we sat in his toasty-warm truck.

since we couldn't make it all the way back to athens, about 150 miles away still, we took the first exit, beckly, w.va. to try and find a place to stay. we stopped at hotel after hotel - comfort inn, best western, even a hojo! but they were all booked. we were shocked. as michael so eloquently put it, who would've thought that we'd get stuck in the middle of nowhere, where apparently everyone wanted to be.

one nice woman at one of the hotels explained to us that it was a big skiing area, and it was valentine's day weekend.

figures.

we finally ended up getting a tip about a place called america's best value two exits down. we weren't entirely optimistic about this place, but if it had a bed and roof, we really couldn't be picky at this point. we pulled into this dorm-style hotel snuggled in across from the appalachian bible college, which i predictably got an enormous kick out of. so for $60 a night we were treated to a non-smoking room that smelled curiously like smoke, a small bed and pull-out sofa, felt-like blankets, a puke-brown bathroom and a television that had hbo but only showed programs in strange blue, purple and yellow colors. its only redeeming quality was that it had free internet. america's best value, my ass.

breakfast the next morning was offered by the hotel - stale cereal, watered-down orange juice and fruit punch, whole milk and wheat bread and cream cheese made for a fabulous spread. however, the best thing was the donuts, even if they were a little stale as well.

after breakfast we jetted out of there down the road to the commercial center of the town, which included a walm and a starb.

gotta love corporate america.

we left jules' car at walm to get a new tire put on and walked down to stab to get coffee so we could survive the rest of the day.

our trip ended today around 2pm - a whole 12 hours later than planned. anyone surprised?

i'm not. regardless, the weekend overall was great. i still got to talk to my boy often :) and i laughed too many times to begin counting. last night could've easily turned into a horribly stressful ordeal, but instead it turned into an adventure of sorts. no one freaked out (except jules when she was talking to her dad, but even then we were able to laugh - we love you jules!).

i'm just glad that we didn't end up having to spend the night with the hill people. i'm tough. but not that tough.

well, i guess this book report is calling. so is food. and so is sleep.


xoxo.m

.i'm scared i'll get scared.

the universe must really hate me.

or at least my computer does. maybe it's because i've threatened to throw it out the window one too many times.

nothing went as planned.

i'm so sorry.

)-:

i promise i'll fix it.


xoxo.m

.take me back to your bed.

do you ever notice that just when you're ready to close down shop for the night, everything seems to take longer. you're trying to x-out of all your browser windows, put up an away, and you can't leave the computer until it's just right.

maybe it's just me that's that compulsive (somehow i doubt it), but it takes so much longer. you're computer randomly freezes up, for no apparent reason. you only have three tabs open in firefox - the first three are the ones you always have open, the ones you live your life by. one's probably your e-mail. and one's the site you look at every day. the extra one, the one you're trying to close, is that one you visit when you think you have free time (but you really don't).

why does it always feel like i have more free time at night? i think it's because i'm really just prolonging the attempt to sleep as much as possible. i know you're not supposed to be jealous of anyone, but sometimes i wish i was one of those people who wasn't scared to go to bed. i'll lay down a while. then get up. find excuses to walk around and check my computer.

it's going to be hours before i fall asleep.

i'm not that tired. i have plenty of energy to wait.

or maybe the universe will take pity on me, and i'll fall asleep right away, without thinking. sometimes i think the universe should take pity on us more often.

on a side note, my parents were here this weekend. and they're great. pretty much. maybe their visit was the universe taking pity on me.

bleh. no use in trying to figure that one out.

sweet dreams.


xoxo.m

.neverender.

i've been speaking in circles lately.

it's really really REALLY freakin' cold outside. the second i get back to my apartment i'm curling up in bed and never leaving. and maybe sleep through the entire night. i want to be like the loraleies for the night, so that reality has no place in my world.

damn, i'm doing it again.

on a side note, second life has gone from being creepy to hilarious.

friend me: meghan gildea.

i'm out of here.


xoxo.m

.oh that laser rain.

ugh. just ugh ugh ugh.

sometimes you're feeling okay. like you're getting by. then a moment later you're not, so much. it's not like anything really changes, except the knowledge you have. and knowledge can change your perception pretty quick.

and then it's like you can't count on anybody.

then you fail. or you're needy. or unappreciative. just one of several not-so-good feelings. and all the work you do and all the time you spend and all the accomplishments fall by the wayside.

there's some lessons i just don't need to be taught at this point. and in some cases they're completely irrelevant.

because at this moment, all i really need is a solution.


xoxo.m

.in the worst way.

right at this moment i am sitting on my futon with my computer. i'm staring at a blank screen because i finally figured out how to work the DVD player since they took away our cable box. then the DVD crapped out on me. go figure. and i didn't want my movie to get ruined. so i turned it off.

i probably shouldn't be watching anything anyway. i probably should be studying for my history midterm tomorrow. i can guarantee it won't be easy, and it's a significant portion of my grade. and unlike a science or math course, i really care about this one. just not right at this moment.

there's too many other matters that i find far more interesting than studying. e-mails to set up interviews for a sweet story i'm going to write and numerous other things for speakeasy. cleaning my room a bit (it's not terribly messy, but messy enough for me to want to clean it).

oh, and i want to eat. i get hungry every two hours, so i'm way past due for a snack.

sometimes i think i clog my brain up too much. i tend to think a lot. and i mean A LOT. so i revel in the moments when i really don't have to think about the big things. when i can just lay there and soak up an amazing moment. a full, single, simple moment. and when i say 'have to think' i mean there's just something in me that really enjoys it. but then i go completely overboard and completely forget about the little things. and then i start to get annoyed with the big things. then i just get annoyed with people who don't see it my way.

then i just feel annoyed with life.

i know that sounds complicated. try being inside my brain. it's rough sometimes. and sometimes it makes it hard for me to get along with other people. well, it used to. when i was younger anyway. but i think now i'm so used to people not thinking like i do that i've adapted to dealing with it. i've learned what i can reasonably expect from people. so now what makes me annoyed is when that respect isn't returned.

greed. jealousy. superiority and inferiority complexes. all harmful. but we all fall to them sometimes. we're all guilty. but it's really hard to remember we're all guilty. it's much easier to just get annoyed.

we can't escape society and sometimes we let it define us way too much. and then sometimes we try so hard to live outside societal norms that we still let it define us even when we're pretending it doesn't. there's a fine line. a line between too much repression and not enough. radicalism always seems to win out and strike a balance between two polar ends. but when do we start to come full circle? when do we fall to the things we so desperately tried to avoid? and where does that leave the rest?

sometimes it's much easier to give in. to create the "other." and i guess it's okay if there's an "other." the problem is we discriminate against the "other," and we judge the "other," and we pretend that we're just so much better.

sometimes i think that's why i tend to love comedy so much. it reminds me that sometimes i take myself way too seriously. nothing is sacred. the absurdities of everything are exposed (if the comic is intelligent, at least).

after reading hardcore zen, which EVERYONE should read, i found myself crying. okay, that's not unusual for me, i know. but i didn't really know why i was. i wasn't sad. i wasn't happy. but there i was just sitting there.

i wasn't me. i've struggled the past couple years just trying to be me. i found people who helped me do that. it wasn't easy, especially in the face of opposition from people i love and respect, but i did it. i feel more happy and more content with myself than i ever have. and that's my journey. and we all have one. we must always remember that everyone has their own journey. and none of them could be classified as "easy."

but here was me. and i realized how much we all concentrate on "me." "I." "myself." we're ALL so fucking selfish most of the time. and you know what, enough times we balance that selfishness out with other very unselfish deeds and actions. but we tend to isolate ourselves so much. i don't mean being anti-social, i mean seeing ourselves as independent of the universe. the "other." when really we're all the same. the details are just different.

but in the end we share this universe with each other. we're all so deeply connected for reasons that are both completely within the realm of understanding, and completely outside it. but we let the details get in the way. we let our fear get in the way. we group ourselves off. we create the "other." a demon that doesn't agree with us. that doesn't look like us. that doesn't act like us. and somehow we are superior. because we're prettier, smarter, cooler, etc. pick your reason.

then flip it around. because we realize this isn't exactly the best way to go about things, but we need someone to blame for it. so we blame the "other." they're wrong. they forced this on us because we don't agree with them. we're the victims. and all of sudden we're inferior.

buddhists always seem so happy to me. if you've ever seen video or pictures of the dalai lama i guarantee he's probably laughing. or at least smiling.

i can't speak for all buddhists. maybe none of them. but it seems to me that a lot of buddhists (or others that have reached this understanding, you don't have to be buddhists to understand it of course), is that they reached this understanding of oneness with everything in the universe. and since we're all one who cares if we don't look alike or think alike or act alike, because in the end we have a basic bond. a basic link.

so why the need to group each other off? why draw that velvet rope around yourself and "i am this, not this, and you are that"? what does it really matter in the end? we should be celebrating our differences. learning from them. instead it's easier to let them divide.

i keep thinking about some of the things the bands said at bamboozle last year. anthony raneri (bayside's lead singer) said something like this: "this isn't a fucking fashion show. this isn't about who has what haircut. this is life. this is real life. so treat your friends like gold." then spencer chamberlain (underoath lead singer) said: "we are Christians. we do live our lives for Jesus. but you know what, it doesn't matter what you believe."

the cheers these singers got from those lines were incredible. the pessimistic side of me says the cheers just came because people like rallying behind inspirational things, even if they don't particularly find them inspirational. the optimistic side (which usually ultimately wins out) says that struck a chord somewhere, and might pop up years from now when one of those kids is evaluating a particular situation in their lives (ie. right now).

we lose our perspective. and all of sudden we place importance on things that don't really matter in the end.

most people who know me know i love jesus humor. i apologize if any of it is ever offensive. i honestly just don't get organized religion. although, i think jesus was the man. honestly. sometims i think he might be apalled if he came back and saw how his life has been twisted around. but that's beside the point.

just because i don't understand organized religion doesn't mean i think less of those who do get it. just because i'm from a tiny town in northeastern ohio doesn't mean i want to live there my entire life.

just because i dyed my hair black. just because i enjoy roadtrips. just because i get a high from being insanely busy. just because i'd rather curl up in bed and read on a friday night than go out to a bar and get wasted. just because i don't always answer my phone. just because my favorite band is my chemical romance. just because being in and around a body of water makes me calm and have strange revelations. just because i don't think "marriage" is all that important. just because i eat really slow and in small bites. just because i don't smoke. just because i like mosh pits. just because i could mostly give a damn about celebrities. just because my parents' opinions matter to me. just because i paint my nails black. just because i collect buddhist figurines. just because i was a valedictorian. just because i don't always feel like talking. just because i cry a lot just because i don't shower every day. just because i'm not as smart as you might think i am. just because i'm more ambitious than you think i am. just because i don't fit your idea of what you think i should be.

really, none of that means anything. just look at that list - none of that aligns me with one group or one ideology over another. neither my past nor my present nor my possible future will ever match up because each moment in my life is so different. and i'd rather live each moment for myself, as one tiny part of the universe, than live it for someone or something else.

we all know what feels right for us. what makes us happy. what we'd rather not do. what we want from our lives. what we want from each moment. and the beautiful thing is it's always changing. evolving. the danger is letting someone or something else dictate what you want. and the danger is not applying this same respect to everyone else. because we all deserve a chance.

it's a fine line. a fine line that if you cross it will bring you full circle.

if you've stayed with me this far i applaud you. the understanding and organization of my mind is not an easy feat.

to boil this down to one point, it's to not lose perspective. none of us is "perfect" (whatever that even means). none of us will always understand. none of us will balance that line perfectly all the time (except maybe shannon miller).

but we need people and events and time to help us keep things in perspective. it's how we keep functioning.

last night i went out to a party (jenny's birthday party), something i haven't done in a while. but i went with andy, jules and michael. i saw a bunch of people there i've met before but haven't seen in a long time. jenny was having a blast. i wasn't particularly jazzed about going, but sometimes i realize i do need to drop things and go relax for a while.

i had a lot of fun. sometimes i feel really alone here. all those thoughts you just read feel so jumbled and i don't know how i could possibly relate to anyone well enough to have a good time. and that the only person who truly understands me is thousands of miles away. but you know, i had so much fun with people who are passionate about a lot of the same things i am. and i realize that that's what friends are. it's the same reason i became best friends with jess, why i bonded so quickly with alison, why liz and are best friends (and engaged! :-p) even after a first day that seemed like we wouldn't be friends at all, why leah and i became best friends after a chance meeting. people will surprise you. you just have to let them. you can't get so caught up in your own idea of what's best, lock yourself in that velvet rope so tight, that you don't give anyone else a chance to unravel it.

we do that way to often.

i realized i can still hurt. i can feel alone. but i don't have to wrap myself up in the process. just because someone doesn't necessarily understand everything about you, doesn't mean they can't be a good friend. doesn't mean they aren't worth your time. in fact, they may provide you with some much-needed perspective. we've all seen the dangers when we start trusting and and aligning and labeling based on superficial ideals.

and i remember why i am so against the use of stereotypes. why i am so against labels. why i am so against soceietal exclusion. why i hate judgement. i've done it and i've been a victim of it. we all have. why can't we remeber that?

and this is why i can't let that come full circle. because it's so easy to fall into the things that you so desperately tried to avoid.


xoxo.m

.you vandal.

thank you [saves the day]

last night i dreamt you called from costa rica
the place you've been for the last two weeks
you said, "i miss you, oh sweet boy, and will you come on down?"
i woke up to my cold sheets and the smell of new jersey
when do i get to wake up to you?
today i can't forget that i've got these open wounds
it's such a drag
i can't forget you've gone
my ribs have parted ways
they said, "we're not going to protect this heart you have"
oh no, what can i do?
my lungs are breathing open air
and my spleen is dripping from my pants
you've left me here in the cold
and i miss you
you never told me it would be this hard
i think my body's saying so
when you're not here, it's leaving me
but i hope that you're okay
even though i'm dying
i hope that you're still trying to have a killer time
go see the volcanoes
go see the rainforests
i'll be fine by myself
i'll be fine without these bones


xoxo.m

.a piece of glass puncture in my heart.

i apologize ahead of time for the pure randomness of this post. i don't really have anything important or insightful to say. i just feel like typing something.

first, my peeve, it's WAY too cold out right now. i want to leave ohio simply because the weather is constantly putting me out of wack. severe weather changes make me feel sick. never sick enough to skip class, but sick enough that i don't feel like doing anything.

bleh.

and i'm already stressing about this quarter. not a bad stressing, but there's just lots to do. i probably have at least two meetings every night on a normal day. sometimes three to four if i'm lucky. the amount of reading i have to do is insane and midterms are creeping up fast. i already have one midterm this monday, and a 40-some minute presentation to do wednesday, which i need 20 sources for. and trust me, finding 20 sources for online journalism topics is not that easy. i guess it's good though because not many books have been written, so i don't have to go searching through insanely large books.

not to mention my political junkieness is coming out. as much as i hate television news, i find myself turning on msnbc and cnn every day, i check the washingtonpost.com ALL the time, the newyorktimes.com sometimes, and a host of blog sites including drudgereport.com, huffintonpost.com and dailykos.com.

and jon stewart is one of my favorite people ever. pretty much.

although, you have to watch these series of videos of stephen colbert. okay, so i used to hate him. i thought he was horrible, offensive, rude, obnoxious and didn't understand what the hell he was trying to accomplish. then i started reading about him. and once i found out exactly what he was doing (basically playing a character, bill o'reilly to be exact) i started to have a lot more appreciation for him. even more so after i watched his infamous speech at the correspondent's dinner last year.

for those of you who don't know, the correspondent's dinner is a dinner held in washington for all the beltway reporters. everyone who's anyone in d.c. attends. thousands of people in fact. now, ever since i found out about this tradition i've been disgusted by it. it makes me sick, actually. but that's besides my point right now.

anyway, at this dinner, they always have someone give a speech, that's usually sarcastic, pokes fun at the press, but generally is lighthearted and fun.

well, whoever decided that stephen colbert fits this profile or thought he'd ease up a little needs a serious headcheck.

i, however, thought the speech was brilliant. he's never drops his character and holds nothing back. nothing. the funniest thing is how uneasy he made the room, and the expressions on some people's faces - ranging from disgust, to polite smiles, to wanting to laugh but not being sure if they could, to cracking up.

and i hope that the government and the press sitting in that room took something from it, especially knowing how popular his show and the daily show are (now they just need to get stewart up there).

watch. and enjoy.

part 1


part 2


part 3


(youtube is fabulous, btw.)

and if you want to know why i love jon stewart so much, it's not just because he's funny as hell. but two main reasons. his book - america: the book, a citizen's guide to democracy inaction and this appearance on the now defunct show, crossfire on cnn:



it's a shame, that when all stewart wanted to do was have a serious conversation about the state of the media in the U.S. (which is sad, indeed) all the insufferable Tucker (who now has his own show on msnbc, go figure) could do, after he realized how absurd it was to compare crossfire to the daily show, is complain about how stewart is boring, instead of actively participating in the conversation.

how is this person even on air? it's disgusting.

anyway, hope you enjoyed those clips. go onto youtube and look for more, there's a bunch from both the daily show and the colbert report that are just priceless.

jon stewart for president.


xoxo.m

.you make me feel like i am whole again.

i think one of the greatest love songs ever is love song (by the Cure, duh, even though there are some pretty sweet covers, including one by Anberlin). it's simple, but how it's put together is so beautiful i could cry every time i hear it. maybe it's because some of the lyrics have particular resonance for me, who knows, but every time it comes on i stop in my tracks.

whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like am home again
whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like i am whole again

whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like i am young again
whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like i am fun again

however far away
i will always love you
however long i stay
i will always love you
whatever words i say
i will always love you
i will always love you

whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like i am free again
whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like i am clean again

however far away
i will always love you
however long i stay
i will always love you
whatever words i say
i will always love you
i will always love you

sometimes it seems, no matter how complicated love is, or how complicated being in love is, how complicated a relationship is or feelings and emotions are, how complicated not understanding can be - saying "i love you" isn't complicated at all.

what it means could be complicated. but saying it isn't, once you finally realize that you actually mean it, and that you mean it more than you've ever meant it in your entire life.

you just know.


xoxo.m

ps. i'm not usually a 'mushy' person. really.

.and i will be able to sleep at night.

this weekend, as alison just wrote in her blog, procrastination started setting in waaayy early. it's not that i wasn't working on things, i was just working on the wrong things. not even the wrong things, but too much on one thing (speakeasy) and not enough on the others (reading for classes).

oh well. it happens. i just have a paper due in history, talking about the different responses to european influence in the middle east in the nineteenth century. no big.

the past fews days had not been so good. i think i've just been feeling really lonely, for one reason or another. it's not like people aren't around, but honestly i was starting to get be afraid to lay down in my bed at night because i knew i was alone. it sounds absurd and i hate admitting it, but it's true. it made for some tough nights.

saturday night was better. even though i didn't get to go to dance or die, leah and i braved the weather in our sweatpants, pea coats and hats to buy some cake mix to make brownies. they were yum, and we almost have them finished. hehe.

today (LIZZLE'S BIRTHDAY!!!) liz and i went and saw jesus camp. it was seriously one of the most disturbing things i've seen in a long time. you just have to see it for yourself. some of the highlights:
- a kid talking about how he was saved at the age of 5 (who needs saved at the age of 5???)
- a mother talking about how the public schools are crap and brainwashing her children (and what does she think she's doing?)
- the woman who runs the camp instructing 8-year-olds to speak in tongues (and they DO!) and chanting about how they're ready for war
- that same woman talking about how american christians are "behind" the Muslims because Muslim children are prepared to die for their god (seriously, because handing a rifle to a 5-year-old is such a great idea), and she wants to see christian children with that kind of discipline because apparently they have the "truth"
- and her talking about how chilren are "usable in christianity"
- a family saying a pledge of allegiance to the christian flag
- two little kids talking about themselves as "warriors"
- ted haggard being cheeky to the camera (this was before he was found to have been sneaking off using drugs with a gay hooker - typical)
- not to mention the complete irony of a camp called "kids on fire" being held at a place called Devil's Lake

overall it was a fabulous film that portrayed all the events and subjects in a real light, and also balanced it out a little by showing segments with a christian host on air america (a decidedly liberal radio program) who reputes these things as a christian.

well, i have plenty more to talk about, especially a book i just finished reading, that i think everyone should read. but i'll save it for another time. it's getting late and i have class at 9 a.m.

bleh.


xoxo.m

.this building's tall.

well, i predicted it. happy to crappy in a day. doesn't that just figure. i guess the higher you are the harder you fall. it's like being on autopilot. or maybe something's programmed in the universe.

and i can just hope that everything's okay. and hope that that hope doesn't send me crashing again.

sometimes i wish there was someone else who even had an inkling of how hard this is. and most of the time i'm glad no one else does. not that i'm trying to be selfish (okay, i guess i can be a little selfish with him, so sue me), but i like that no one else gets us.

and that also means we're both still alone. and i have to let myself feel that. or i'll go crazy.


xoxo.m