.you gotta sink to swim.

sometimes i really don't deal well with not getting my way.

maybe that's not it, though. maybe it's that i don't deal well when i'm in control of a situation, or think i am, and i think things will go my way and then they don't.

maybe that's it.

sometimes you feel too good about yourself. sometimes you don't feel good enough.

most of the time it's just better to know. it's better to know than to deny things and pretend they don't exist.

"to most of existence there is an inner and an outer world. skin, bark, surface of the ocean open to reveal other realities. what is inside shapes and sustains what appears. so it is too with human consciousness. and yet the mind rarely has a simple connection to the inner life. at a certain age we begin to define ourselves, to choose an image of who we are. i am this and not that, we say, attempting thus to erase whatever is within us that does not fit our idea of who we should be. in time we forget our earliest selves and replace that memory with the image we have constructed at the bidding of others."

--susan griffin

yeah, she probably said it better.

i didn't get the two major internships i was looking at. one i wanted, one was kind of just there and convenient. i wasn't expecting one and i'm glad i didn't get the other, really. it would have been hard to turn down but i didn't really want it. but it would have been nice.

now i'm just frustrated. and not so much worried. but maybe a little scared.

who really knows. i sure don't.

sometimes i think i just keep typing because i'm trying to work something out in my head and my thoughts race so fast and i type faster than i write.

the summer seems so close to me.

it's a little scary, yes.


xoxo.m

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for i am the first and the last. i am the honored one and scorned one. i am the whore and the holy one. i am the wife and the virgin. i am the barren one, and many are her sons. i am the silence that is incomprehensible

i am the utterance of my name

GNOSTIC
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