.give me all your hopeless hearts.

i seriously don't want to leave tomorrow :-(

i'm used to having these six weeks during winter break, so it's hard leaving knowing that i don't even have that anymore. truth, i did bring it upon myself completely, by deciding to take this extra class and work at the dispatch. but honestly, these are two opportunities that i couldn't pass up. the alternative is staying at home and working at the bakery or something. uhh i think not.

not to make it sound like jobs like that are beneath me, they're just not going to help at this point.

i think too, i've been associating athens with not-so-good feelings and vibes for the last few weeks of the quarter, so the thought of going back there so soon after that all ended is not appealing. i just got home and actually caught up on sleep, relaxed, shopped, spent time with my family and have been able to talk to parker without having to worry about waking up for class or work the next morning. plus i'm spoiled when i come home when it comes to cleaning, cooking, etc. it's not like all that stuff even bothers me, but when you don't have to do it you notice how much time it actually does take up. so i just have to say, i have the most amazing parents in the world, pretty much.

and the house is all decorated for christmas!!! my apartment, not so much. and since i'll only be there a week, it's silly to worry about decorating at all.

but my house is beautiful...













however, i'm going to look on the bright side and say that while i am in athens i will get to spend time with lizzle the schizzle. because i so did not see her enough (outside of class and speakeasy) during the quarter.

also, i do actually have work to do over break, and i tend to not do work at home. i don't associate home with school. it just doesn't belong. so when i get down there i can make some money and get my butt in gear.


xoxo.m

.it breaks if you don't try.

whoa. i just completely redid my myspace. it's been a really really really long time since i last did and i was getting bored with it, so enjoy :)

on another note, i have to leave home in less than two days. plain and simple, i'm not ready. i am a teeny bit bored, true story, but after the craziness of last quarter, i'm due for a little boredom. and whose brilliant idea was it for me to take a class over winter break anyway? thanks stewart.

in all seriousness it's going to be an amazing class - computer assisted reporting.

okay.

that sounds dull, i know. but it's all about gathering information, mostly for investigative reporting on the internet. i'm not sure if that description was any less dull, but it sounds exciting to me. of course, i'm a journalism nerd, so there you go.

i also got my hair cut. and i love it. pretty much. jesse is a magician, i'm convinced. i barely have to tell him anything and he cuts it perfect every time.

i guess that's it for now. i'm going to go watch good night and good luck. finally.




xoxo.m

.time could not hold you down.

somehow home and the holidays have ways of making things better.

but let's start with wednesday. i went down to robinson and met up with jess and alison. we did some shopping. actually, we basically spent an hour in hot topic and another good hour drinking starbucks. but still, good times. i miss my cloops :-( but i'll be seeing them both for new years!
i also got to go out to eat with carrie, smo and dunn. that was fun, although the conversation was a little depressing. the gossip around new middletown has become all about who's addicted to what. it's kind of sad, people i used to know, many who are still in high school, are getting addicted to one thing or another and throwing everything away.

yesterday was thanksgiving (duh) and it wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but it was still a good time. i love seeing my family, they crack me up, even when they don't mean to. the food was good of course, uncle bob smoked a turkey, which was amazing, and grandma l made plain brownies just for me (she made a sign and everything :-P). i lost $10 in poker, but oh well. i hadn't played in a really long time and i was playing with my cousins who play at least once a week, usually more. i just did it for fun. i don't really even know that much about poker. i just go with it. i did get in on some euchre games though, but my luck had run out there too, i played with both dylan and grandma j and i still couldn't get a hand. poo. the good thing, there were TONS of leftovers, so i have a bunch of food to take back to school with next week.

now i'm looking forward to christmas. i'm attempting to put together a list for my parents, so they have some idea of what i want. i don't feel like they should get me anything though, they've been doing so much for me. and they always go overboard and it makes me feel bad sometimes. but i know they just like doing nice things for brother and i. speaking of brother, i never ever know what to get him. i decided i'm just taking him to Best Buy and/or Hot Topic one day and letting him pick out a few things. oh brother.

tomorrow i'm FINALLY getting my hair dyed and cut. i've had my appointment cancelled two times already and my hair is desperate. i decided to grow it out again. i always think i want short hair, then i have it for a while, and i don't want it anymore. i will say though, that this is the first time in a very very long time that i've actually enjoyed it. just not enough.

well, i'm going to try and get some work done. being home makes me want to do absolutely nothing, which is not good. if i don't stay on top of things now i know i'm going to regret it.

it feels like there have been a lot of not-so-good things happening around me, involving friends, family, etc. all i can say is that the universe usually has it's way of working things out. i'm slowly believing this again, after a long span of thinking that was complete bull. sometimes it just takes a while. plus, christmas is coming, and who doesn't love christmas?

all i have to say to those who don't live christmas, you don't make baby jesus very happy, which is what we should all be striving for.

so here's some pre-christmas cheer courtesy of my chemical romance:





xoxo.m

.until the sun burns from the sky.

i'm not really sure how the one thing you weren't really looking for, somehow finds you and becomes exactly what you want. don't ask me to explain it. i just know it's right. somehow, it's right. maybe it is a little weird, maybe most people cannot even fathom how we've even kept it going this long.

it's not easy.

i know you all know that. and thank you endlessly to the people who have sat there with me and listened, and sympathized, and said all the right things. you didn't know it, but i was at my lowest, and you made it better. there aren't enough 'thank yous' in the world for this.

it's hard to to feel lonely when you're surrounded by people so much of the time. i think i'd rather feel lonely when i'm actually by myself. at least then it feels right.

it's hard to explain how missing someone can physically hurt you. how crawling into bed by yourself gets harder every night you do it, and you feel like if someone even so much as touched you that your skin would just fall off. nothing could hold you together anymore. or when all you can do is just cry, for so long you just fall asleep. and your chest hurts so much you're choking and curling into a little ball and digging your nails into your arms because you wish it would just stop hurting so damn much.

i've always heard that it's dangerous to love someone too much.

of course it's not like i have a precedent for this. i have no idea how to act, how to deal, how to think about it. we're just making it up as we go along. while everyone around me asks, "why?"

all i can say is that you wouldn't give up on something that makes you feel so incredible, like you've never felt before, without even realizing its true potential. you can sit there and say you would, but you wouldn't. if you would, then tell me how, because even if i wanted to, i don't think i could.

that's kind of all a bunch of nonsense. but i'm getting tired of this. scratch that. i am tired of this. for some reason AIM hates me, and when that's all you have, and it doesn't work, things get frustrating. and i start sliding back into that place that's just no good. over a year, and i still haven't figured out how to stop it. i keep hoping, hoping, hoping that things will finally go my way, and i won't have to worry about figuring it out anymore. but i'm losing hope too. miss optimistic has a hard time looking on the positive side anymore. telling myself "soon" and actually believing it is a thing of the past. i can't lie to myself anymore.

which all means that i'm still stuck here. waiting. waiting for something i can only hope will be worth everything.

i feel so vulnerable. and this is probably crazy talk. it's almost 4 a.m. and i'm still waiting for AIM to finally let me talk. but my eyes are drooping. and all i can do is apologize for not being an insomniac.


xoxo.m

.and if your night unplugs its life.

first of all - the new bloggerbeta has screwed me over. i love it. but it somehow merged my personal blog with my school project, and changed my profile. not cool, and i'm still in the process of trying to convert it. so bear with me.

secondly - i'm home! words cannot describe how ready i was to come home. i've been starting to associate too many bad feelings with athens, including stress, being overwhelmed and insane, just to name a few, that i needed to get out of there for a while. after a quarter of pretty much no sleep and putting in days where i would go almost nonstop from 9 a.m. to the wee hours of the morning, i'm pretty much finished with everything: final buddhism paper, J492 case study + bibliography and timelines, J314 final and final blog project and my film script and scriptbook. yes, it was a hectic few days, but i'm done. i love saying that. i'm done.

now we come to winter break. i've been scrambling for the last month trying to find something to do, along applying for a few internships for next summer. i decided to take a 1-week course at OU - computer assisted reporting. it's almost never offered and i have a feeling it's going to be an incredible class. from dec. 4-8 we go from 9-5 every day. should be fun. then after that i'll be moving up to columbus because...da dada da...i'll be working for the columbus dispatch! i'm so excited. the work is going to be amazing and i'll actually be getting paid! *shock*. then after that it's back home for christmas. then NYC for some new years action before i go back to school. crazy, but when is my life not these days?

and can i just say, i love the holidays. pretty much.

now back to being home. it's the greatest feeling walking back into my house with all my stuff. no matter what changes, my parents are always there with a huge hug and happy to see me. brother is walking around making me laugh. and molly is shaking with excitement that i'm actually there. and even though i am definitely no adverse to change, but it is nice knowing there's always that constant. it's a relief after a quarter of going non-stop every day, expounding so much energy, for something i love and enjoy, but tiring nontheless, and barely having time to keep up with anyone, it's so nice to come home and set that weight off my shoulders for a while. even if i'm still dealing with things, it's a lot easier and clearer when i'm home.

well, that's me actually being content right now. don't get used to it.


xoxo.m

.going blue.

oh the joy of last night. i spent all night watching MSNBC and keeping track online with CNN's election results (did anyone else notice the serious decline in Fox News' election coverage?) and updating Speakeasy's election results.

there weren't many surprises, especially locally, but the highlights:
- governor strickland
- congressman brown
- issue2: minimum wage $6.85
- issue 5: smoking banned
- democrats officially took control of the house, setting up nancy pelosi (ca) to be the first female speaker of the house



currently, the senate is 50/50 (each party has 49 seats), with two left to be decided - virginia (which i am shocked has turned around since earlier in the night) and montana - both of which are leaning slightly democrat. there will be recounts for sure, especially in virginia. but i'm crossing my fingers. and toes, eyes, etc.



i'm actually not a true "party person." am i liberal? without a doubt, especially by today's definition. it's a shame the stigma that's been attached to that word in the past 10 years. but as far as rooting strictly for democrats or republicans - no. i have many problems with the two-party system. we were warned about it, but we still let it define every aspect of our government, and consequently we spend too much time bickering over the small things and not enough time concentrating on the major issues that affect American citizens. most Americans are moderate, or align themselves somewhere in the middle of the political spectrum, but, especially as of late, our polices and practices haven't representated this. i think we've finally started to realize it.

and now something has been done.

i am not partisan. my beliefs align mostly with the democrats, but i don't "cheer for the home team" and vote straight tickets, especially just to do so. but i'm estatic that they have taken over. the republican party has strayed way too off course, and the only way to counteract that is to let them know it's not okay.

the people have spoken. regardless of whether the dems take the senate right out (i have a feeling it will at least be split down the middle, which of course gives republicans the edge because of cheney's vote, but whatev), the message is clear. you better start paying attention.


xoxo.m

.peacock skeleton.

i've decided that there are a lot of things that i need right now. one of them is for this quarter to be over. another is to be able to really relax. i've burnt myself out. everyone predicted it, i knew it, and i still went full-speed ahead anyway. it's what i do. thankfully some things have been keeping my sanity - including my friends and getting away, if even for just a night (ie. the blood brothers concert).

how many more days until i go home?


xoxo.m

.ashes to ashes, we all fall down.

week 9 is almost over. well I said hey, hey hallelujah. come on sing the praise. i came into this quarter thinking, "hey, this is going to be easier. i'm not involved with as many things and no more math and science classes to take - i'm pretty much taking whatever i want right now." well baby jesus, that just hasn't been the case. starting around about, let's say, week 4, i had the week from hell. seriously. i mean ever since classes started i pretty much go nonstop every day, but before week 4 leah and i were making dinners at our apartment, my room was relatively clean, i spoke to my parents more often, and i was sleeping at 6 hours a night.

but week 4 came and everything seemed to amplify. all of a sudden i felt like there was more homework and studying, even though i really only had one traditional midterm, and more errands and mundane things to take care of. and i said to myself again, "hey, it's just one week. next week will be better." and again i was WRONG. i hate being wrong.

yep, every week since week 4 i've had the week from hell. it's like a reoccurring nightmare; like being stuck in particularly bad scene from a horror film that keeps looping. just when a week seems like it's going to get better, or there's a day where i think i might actually have some free time, something always comes up. even the weekends aren't so relaxing anymore. example: this week was actually going to be amazing compared to the rest. but then, my computer charger breaks! if you know me at all you know i am particularly attached to my computer. admittedly way more than i should be. buddha would not be proud. but such is the case, i freaked out. i don't freak out often, but when you take away my computer, i will panic. there are several reasons why, but for about three or four days i was in a constant state of hurt and stress and getting about two to three hours of sleep each night. when i came back from class today and leah told me my charger had come, i was estatic beyond belief. it was almost as exciting as when i realized Hoffa's had gotten the black parade in a day early. almost.

i'm prepared for next week to be just as horrible. this weekend i'll be in columbus for a blood brothers concert (wheee!) and doing more interviews with voters about the elections next week, plus a speakeasy social. all fun, but keeping me busy. then it'll be getting final projects together and writing final papers and such, and getting speakeasy set up for the winter. although, i'm actually looking forward to finals week, because i might actually have some time to myself. does anyone else think that's a little backwards?

plus, i'm ready for some time at home. i miss my family like whoa, and i miss my puppy, and i miss sleeping.

xoxo.m


ps. i HATE instant messenger sometimes :-(




---
house of wolves MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

well, i know a thing about contrition
because i got enough to spare
and i'll be granting your permission
cause you haven't got a prayer.
---

.shameless.

so i am just going to do a little shameless self-promotion right now. the speakeasy multimedia team put together a very awesome presentation chronicling halloween 2006 in Athens. but the real reason i am telling you this is because the program we use sometimes to create slideshows (including the halloween one), onetruemedia.com, is holding a contest, and the most viewed halloween slideshow wins a camera! so we're trying to win a camera for the speakeasy staff to use.

basically, if you love me, or even if you don't, please watch the slideshow below, and help us out a little. you'll enjoy it, i promise. thanks muchly. :-)

multimedia staff/SLIDESHOW



xoxo.m

.and without you is how i disappear.

just because i'm obsessed with my chemical romance, and just because i'm totally biased, doesn't mean that you shouldn't take my opinion seriously. so here it goes. the black parade is one of the best CD's i've ever owned. every song triggers very intense emotions, and no song sounds alike. i have to admit i've been worried about this one for a while. i need to learn that they never let me down. and the video is one of the most brilliant and beautiful music videos i've ever seen, of course.


welcome to the black parade - MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

so to the real reason i'm writing - i decided it was about time i started a blog. i'm tired of using myspace. i'll still keep my profile, but i just don't have time to mess with it anymore, it's getting even creepier, and worst of all it's starting to live up to true Murdoch potential.

anyway, it's actually a very ridiculous hour of the night/morning (not unusual for me). to put it bluntly, i'm feeling very sad. i just have one thing to say: and that is for those of you who have someone you love by your side right now, please, soak up that moment. close your eyes and smile and be unbelieveably happy that they are next to you. no one ever realizes how much those moments means, as trivial as they may seem right now. but when you can't have them, you'll realize how important they are, and how much it hurts when they can't even physically happen.

columbus tomorrow - i'll be conducting interviews with disenfranchised voters for both the common language project and my J314 project. wish me luck.

xoxo.m

---
this is how i disappear MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

can you hear me cry out to you?
words i thought i'd choke on figure out
i'm really not so with you anymore
i'm just a ghost,so I can't hurt you anymore
and without you is how i disappear
and live my life alone
forever now
---