.wake up and step outside your box.

i'm trying to keep myself awake. i'm not doing very good. my eyes keep drooping. it's been a looong day.

lunch with jess. shopping with alison. serendipity with my cloops (after an almost 5-hour wait! but it was SO worth it. i found nirvana in a glass.), dinner at the california pizza kitchen, then rented some movies.

we just watched little miss sunshine and it was one of the best movies i've seen in a long time. if you haven't seen it yet please, please, please watch it. i don't think i've talked to a single person who's seen who hasn't liked it. it's beautiful.

okay, my eyes really are shutting. and i'll start to type random things that i won't remember typing in the morning. like i do with my religion papers when i've procrastinated too long.

goodnight, new york.

when you're happy, the whole world is new york

xoxo.m

.how does it feel.

i could be having a string of the worst days, weeks, hell, even months, and there are some surefire things that will make everything feel okay.

one. my family. in the midst of bad and stressful times they never fail to pick me up. even if for just two days everything disappears, even if they don't purposely do it, they make things better, just by being able to make me laugh. true, i don't exactly "fit in" with them. but i never fully have, but they love me, so i just sit back and enjoy it. and if i'm feeling down all i have to do is remember uncle rex getting excited about winning the fake portrait of my grandparents, my uncles repeating lines from "a christmas story" with way too much enthusiasm, brother's frequent imitations of people in my family and south park episodes and poker games in which i always lose $10 simply because i enjoy playing.

two. new york city & the cloops. whenever i'm in nyc time just seems to stand still. i love coming here and everything being so familiar. it almost feels like a second (or third or fourth) home. my new york is the village, trash & vaudeville (and jimmy), the starbucks on st. marks, yaffa cafe, da nico's, strand, union sq. in general, ray's pizza and walking around st. marks at midnight. and sharing all that with two of my favorite people in the world.

three. parker. and being just completely happy with him. days when i can't talk to him just aren't the same. i love him so much it hurts. it really physically hurts. to the point where my chest hurts, my heart speeds up and i have a hard time breathing. and i'm not exaggerating. call me crazy, but i can't imagine my life right now without him.


how does it feel to know you're everything i need
the butterflies in my stomach could bring me to my knees
how does it feel to know you're everything i want
i've got a hard time saying this so i'll sing it in a song

oh i adore the way you carry yourself
with the grace of a thousand angels overhead
i love the way the galaxy starts to melt
when we become one

how does it feel when we get locked into a stare
please don't come looking for me when i get lost in the mess of your hair
how do you feel when everything you've known
gets thrown aside, never fear my dear, 'cause we have nothing left to hide

oh i adore the way you carry yourself
with the grace of a thousand angels overhead
i love the way the galaxy starts to melt

hold on to me if you feel your grip getting loose
just know that i'm right next to you
hold on to me if you feel your grip getting loose
just know that i won't let you down

well i'm ready
i am ready
to run away with you
are you ready?
to run away with me

pack your things we can leave today
say our goodbyes and get on the train
say goodbye
just you and i in the sweet unknown
we can just call each other our home

if i had to choose a way to die
it'd be with you
in a goosebump infested embrace

how does it feel?

[so much] THE SPILL CANVAS


thank you to The Spill Canvas, for coming so close to putting into words what i never can. for somehow coming close to putting into words feelings i can never describe, let alone fully understand.

we're not supposed to understand.

we're just supposed to feel.

this is what makes me unconditionally happy. and they've all come along exactly when i've needed them.

the universe tends to unfold exactly as it should.


xoxo.m

.carols.

i should learn to have more faith in christmas. and my family.

.jingle jingle.

i wish i was more in the "christmas spirit." seriously. i can't even believe tomorrow's christmas eve.

i'm too stressed.

i just hope tomorrow makes it magically all better.

the past few days have been very trying and exhausting. very little has actually gone right. my car getting the sunroof smashed has caused all sorts of extra problems and things to worry about. plus i haven't figured out how to get Speakeasy up and running, which is a huge headache. blahhh.

here's to hoping tomorrow is wonderful.

merry christmas everyone.


xoxo.m

.the sharpest lives.

o.m.f.g.

i now have a ticket to see My Chemical Romance in New York City on Feb. 23.

love. and life-changing it will be.

as always.


xoxo.m

.with the love is no other.

tomorrow is my last day at the Dispatch. a little sad, a little relieved.

i just realized that today is dec. 21, which means christmas eve is only three days away! my problem is that i'm definitely not in the christmas spirit, and honestly it kind of sucks. buying presents for people has helped a bit. i'm kind of excited to get home, i think that will drastically improve my mood. well, actually, what would be best is if parker found a way to get home. i honestly wouldn't need anything else from anybody at that point. my happiness would expand to way too many levels.

sometimes i think i might just shut down.

anyway, i just wrote this post to say boo for not being in the holiday spirit. and it's not even snowing. this sucks.


xoxo.m

.it's something i can't get my head around.

so here's my theory on life. if it doesn't make sense i apologize, but i feel like most of what i write on here doesn't make sense, so bear with me.

my theory on life is that it's all about connection. passion. l-o-v-e. lurve, as dane cook likes to say. i don't mean just romantic. i mean all types. whether it be love for family, love for friends, romantic love, caring love, material love, love for a child, a job, a hobby, etc. etc. i think our goal should be to experience as many different types of love as possible, on as many different levels as possible. more than anything, i think this is what defines being human, it defines our experiences as people. we all feel it, give it, desire it, push it away, pretend we feel it and eventually are overcome by it, in some form.

and the love that is even the greatest is the kind you don't force, but the kind you choose to keep when it comes along. the kind that isn't necessarily natural but it feels like it. the kind that you don't feel because you have to or you should or because it's ingrained in you. the kind that you can can't get away from no matter how hard you've tried. and if you walked away from it, there'd be a hole so big you'd never fully recover.

but you can't look for it. because you don't know what to look for. you just have to recognize it when you feel it and do everything you can to make sure you don't let it slip away. it's hard to know, but when you know, well, you know.

the best things come when we're not expecting them. the most amazing memories come from the unplanned.

we can't define it. or force it. we can't take it for granted. we just have to let ourselves experience it in every way possible.

experience love. experience passion. experience life.


xoxo.m








---
good day ANGELS & AIRWAVES

true love is something that comes easy
just one kiss, god i swear i want to...
i heard a pin drop and a nervous heartbeat
have you ever heard me scream i love you

oh i need you now
the earth fell fast asleep
this room is safe and sound
will you lay here with me
and feel it...
---

.all i want for christmas is you.

so ends my first week in Columbus and my first week at the dispatch. and i'm halfway done. i'm not quite sure how i feel about this.

the job is going great. i've gotten a lot more video experience than i originally thought and i'm loving it. the funniest thing is the guy who's teaching me a lot of the video stuff, his dad and mine actually know each other because they both work for the same elevator company. how random is that? anyway, it's been a really great. i'm learning a lot and they've been really impressed with how much i know. yesterday they kept asking me if i really had to go back to school haha. and since i do, my editor also mentioned that they might be able to send me some small projects while i'm at school, and i'd be working on basically a freelance basis. which would be fantastic (not that i have time).

columbus has been pretty fun as well. i mean, i just like the city, and i've been driving around a lot of and finding my way places, which is always satisfying. i also had dinner with one of my dad's friend's family, which was fun. i did way too much talking though. when did i become so outgoing? but every time i get into a situation where people are asking me about all the things i've done and how i've done them, it really makes me reflect, and it makes me so happy with my life i could just burst. i think that's why i end up talking so much. i need a place for all that feeling to go.

then thursday i went to dinner with adam! i haven't seen him in forever and it's been a really long time since i've gotten to just sit and chat with anyone from home. so adam and i were never super close in high school, but i think we have a lot more common ground now that we're both out on our own. since not many of my friends from high school left new middletown, it's hard connecting with them on a certain level, because our experiences are so different, and it's hard to understand one another. so it was nice getting to talk about that with adam. even if his hair was super long :-P

one week gone, which means only one more week until i go home for christmas!!! i love the holidays so much, and i love spending christmas with my family. so this excites me. however, with one week down, i'm also sad, because that's one more week that parker's not here and i'm desperately wishing for him to be. i can't tell you how many times i've thought about calling up the airport in london, or something crazy like that, and just demanding and yelling for them to put him on a flight. although, they might not appreciate that. so it might not help. i just really want him here, and i want him here for christmas more than anyone can even imagine.

so i'm crossing fingers and toes and eyes and whatever else i can do to make sure he's here. soon.

i think i'm going to actually get down to christmas cards right now. not a lot of gift exchanging going on this year (thank god, because meghan's funds are almost nonexistent hah), but christmas cards and homemade stuff are always more fun :)


xoxo.m

.through fortune and fame we fall.

it's almost 7 a.m.

i know, i know. most you know it's pretty much a sin for me to up this early. but...da dada da...i start my job/internship with the Columbus Dispatch today!! i'm super excited, and super motivated, which is why i woke up about 45 minutes ago and haven't been able to go back to sleep.

well, another reason for that is i'm terrified of being late.

saturday night i had a string of very strange dreams, but the last one was the classic "late for the first day of work dream." so, when i actually woke up (and i'm very out of it and disoriented when i first wake up, as most of you also know) i looked at my phone and the time was 9:08 a.m. well, i panicked. i jumped out of bed, put my contacts in, ran around to find my clothes, thinking up excuses to tell the editor, and realized i hadn't brought up my suitcases from the car yet, so i had nothing up there. i was about to start crying.

then i realized it was only sunday.

yes, this really happened. i was cracking up. but it was probably a good thing, it keeps me on my toes.

so yesterday i spent all day exploring columbus. i've been here a fair number of times, but only for one or two days at a time, so i don't know how to get around that well. so i used mapquest and printed out a route for myself. i figured out where the dispatch was, took a break at starbucks, and found out where the nearest target is. which also led me to old navy and barnes 'n' noble (not good). then i tried going out to trader joe's (i'm in desperate need of food haha), but ended up taking the wrong way twice, and it was dark, so i gave up. i'm going to make another attempt today.

i love exploring cities. so columbus isn't exactly nyc, but it's still fun to walk/drive aroud and learn how to get places.

well, i should probably get up and get ready. i'm going to leave super early, just to be safe!

wish me luck!


xoxo.m

.navigator.

but sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to get you by. and that has to be enough for now.


xoxo.m

.compass.

it's not enough.


xoxo.m

.watch the waves crash over me.

sometimes i feel really confused.

but i feel so sure.

any confusion, any doubt, any anger or concern - it's artificial. temporary. imagined. it never lasts a fraction of the time than the underlying happiness, passion, and intensity lasts.

sometimes in our weakness we let the artificial overcome what's real, the things that make us randomly stop and catch our breaths, when we didn't even know we were thinking about them.

and maybe i'm finally starting to understand that. it's learning how to peel back the layers that build in the midst of confusion and uncertainty and fear. to know what is at the core, and be confident that it's always there.

feelings don't ever really die. we just lose them. and forget how to feel them. people never really die, we lose them. and then we forget how to see them.

or maybe we never take the time to learn in the first place.

it's because we're human. the universe never intended any of us to be perfect. or to know what's right all the time. or to know what's right for anyone else. we were never supposed to know where we should be, what we should be doing, who we should be with. we're just not supposed to know what's next all the time. nothing's supposed to be easy.

if it was, none of this would mean anything.

know your rocks. they can be anything you want, but really know them. it makes the layers of grime and mold and dirt easier to deal with. and easier to peel off and wash away.

i'm not making any sense.


xoxo.m





---
in regards to myself UNDEROATH

you're staring truth in the face
so come on down
what are you so afraid of?

you're busy living now, aren't you?
you're busy making vows
you're coming unglued

time is shorter than you know
i know the light is blinding to the naked eye
so why don't you take steps away from being alone?
i swear, it's not too late for you

it's all worth reaching for
the hands will pull you out

wake up and step outside of your box
---

.why can't we turn those miles into inches.

i'm scared.

and i need to stop being dumb.

but athens is making that very difficult.

plus, i have time working against me.

and precedents.

and the fact that no one can control their thoughts. or hopes.

i talked to lizzle last night. at least i'm not alone in this.

oh, and if you've never seen 40-Year-Old Virgin you should probably go watch it now.

it's time for me to get my lazy ass out of bed.


xoxo.m

.hidden in the glitter is the real thing.

i have to say, i've never actually been in athens during break. and as expected, it's dead here. i mean there's no one here. it's so weird to be in my apartment and not hear that insanely annoying beat coming from the apartment below us every night (not that i miss it), seeing all the empty parking lots and when walking down the street barely pass anyone who actually looks like they might be a college student.

i'm still associating athens with not-so-good feelings. so even though i have nothing going on, except working a few days, i still have a harder time dealing with things. it's amazing how much your environment can affect your mood. i can't wait until this week is over, then the really fun part of my break starts.

athens 11.29-12.8 [CAR class, M-F, 9 a.m.-5 p.m.]
columbus12.9-12.22 [interning @ the Columbus Dispatch]
home 12.23-12.26 [CHRISTMAS!!!]
new york city 12.27-1.2 [New Year's :-)]

so it'll be a crazy break, true story. not as relaxing as i was maybe hoping for. but it's going to be fun. i'm estatic for this internship, especially since i'll actually be getting paid! *shock*

i know i sound all over the place, considering how i was just complaining that i don't really want to be here right now, but it's the holidays. it's hard to be in a bad mood. i think i'm just not happy that i'm here in athens by myself. well, liz is here. so that makes me happy. but i think it's because i'm living by myself right now. i'm not used to that, and i'm not sure i like it.

i decided this weekend i'm just going to spend as much time as i can with liz and throw myself into this speakeasy redesign, which, by the way, we just decided to do "in house." we're insane, but i think it will be much better this way *crosses fingers*

and if i get really bored, there's always myspace surveys :-P

on another note - concerts! i have a few planned for next year already. if anyone else is interested in joining, let me know!

AFI 2.9 @ Newport [Columbus, OH]
Taste of Chaos 3.18 @ Hara Arena [Dayton, OH] - the Used, 30STM, Chiodos, Aiden, etc.
Anti-Flag 4.20 @ Bogart's [Cincinnati, OH]

eeeee just looking at that list makes me super excited. seeing AFI, 30STM and Aiden again. and seeing anti-flag, chiodos and the Used for the first time.

the used. oh my god. i will die. <3


so yeah, call, comment, e-mail me, message me, if you're interested :)

gosh, it's so freakin' windy outside. the sky is gray. the trees are dead. i wish it would just get cold and snow already. at least the snow's pretty.

oh, and one more beef. when i returned to athens i got our electric bill for the month. you will not believe this: $131!!!!! for one month! i'm assuming it's because of the heat, but c'mon. that's just ridiculous. what college student has that kind of money? blahhh, i need to figure something out.

$131. baby jesus. that kills me. it's almost laughable.

alright, i've wasted enough time. i'm peacing out.


xoxo.m





---
the crows are coming for us FROM FIRST TO LAST

you walk on water
you sing that lovely tune
you walk on water

always knew what you were

the crows are coming for us
let 'em live, let 'em live
the crows are hungry for us
let 'em live, let 'em live
---