.how does it feel.

i could be having a string of the worst days, weeks, hell, even months, and there are some surefire things that will make everything feel okay.

one. my family. in the midst of bad and stressful times they never fail to pick me up. even if for just two days everything disappears, even if they don't purposely do it, they make things better, just by being able to make me laugh. true, i don't exactly "fit in" with them. but i never fully have, but they love me, so i just sit back and enjoy it. and if i'm feeling down all i have to do is remember uncle rex getting excited about winning the fake portrait of my grandparents, my uncles repeating lines from "a christmas story" with way too much enthusiasm, brother's frequent imitations of people in my family and south park episodes and poker games in which i always lose $10 simply because i enjoy playing.

two. new york city & the cloops. whenever i'm in nyc time just seems to stand still. i love coming here and everything being so familiar. it almost feels like a second (or third or fourth) home. my new york is the village, trash & vaudeville (and jimmy), the starbucks on st. marks, yaffa cafe, da nico's, strand, union sq. in general, ray's pizza and walking around st. marks at midnight. and sharing all that with two of my favorite people in the world.

three. parker. and being just completely happy with him. days when i can't talk to him just aren't the same. i love him so much it hurts. it really physically hurts. to the point where my chest hurts, my heart speeds up and i have a hard time breathing. and i'm not exaggerating. call me crazy, but i can't imagine my life right now without him.


how does it feel to know you're everything i need
the butterflies in my stomach could bring me to my knees
how does it feel to know you're everything i want
i've got a hard time saying this so i'll sing it in a song

oh i adore the way you carry yourself
with the grace of a thousand angels overhead
i love the way the galaxy starts to melt
when we become one

how does it feel when we get locked into a stare
please don't come looking for me when i get lost in the mess of your hair
how do you feel when everything you've known
gets thrown aside, never fear my dear, 'cause we have nothing left to hide

oh i adore the way you carry yourself
with the grace of a thousand angels overhead
i love the way the galaxy starts to melt

hold on to me if you feel your grip getting loose
just know that i'm right next to you
hold on to me if you feel your grip getting loose
just know that i won't let you down

well i'm ready
i am ready
to run away with you
are you ready?
to run away with me

pack your things we can leave today
say our goodbyes and get on the train
say goodbye
just you and i in the sweet unknown
we can just call each other our home

if i had to choose a way to die
it'd be with you
in a goosebump infested embrace

how does it feel?

[so much] THE SPILL CANVAS


thank you to The Spill Canvas, for coming so close to putting into words what i never can. for somehow coming close to putting into words feelings i can never describe, let alone fully understand.

we're not supposed to understand.

we're just supposed to feel.

this is what makes me unconditionally happy. and they've all come along exactly when i've needed them.

the universe tends to unfold exactly as it should.


xoxo.m