.until the sun burns from the sky.

i'm not really sure how the one thing you weren't really looking for, somehow finds you and becomes exactly what you want. don't ask me to explain it. i just know it's right. somehow, it's right. maybe it is a little weird, maybe most people cannot even fathom how we've even kept it going this long.

it's not easy.

i know you all know that. and thank you endlessly to the people who have sat there with me and listened, and sympathized, and said all the right things. you didn't know it, but i was at my lowest, and you made it better. there aren't enough 'thank yous' in the world for this.

it's hard to to feel lonely when you're surrounded by people so much of the time. i think i'd rather feel lonely when i'm actually by myself. at least then it feels right.

it's hard to explain how missing someone can physically hurt you. how crawling into bed by yourself gets harder every night you do it, and you feel like if someone even so much as touched you that your skin would just fall off. nothing could hold you together anymore. or when all you can do is just cry, for so long you just fall asleep. and your chest hurts so much you're choking and curling into a little ball and digging your nails into your arms because you wish it would just stop hurting so damn much.

i've always heard that it's dangerous to love someone too much.

of course it's not like i have a precedent for this. i have no idea how to act, how to deal, how to think about it. we're just making it up as we go along. while everyone around me asks, "why?"

all i can say is that you wouldn't give up on something that makes you feel so incredible, like you've never felt before, without even realizing its true potential. you can sit there and say you would, but you wouldn't. if you would, then tell me how, because even if i wanted to, i don't think i could.

that's kind of all a bunch of nonsense. but i'm getting tired of this. scratch that. i am tired of this. for some reason AIM hates me, and when that's all you have, and it doesn't work, things get frustrating. and i start sliding back into that place that's just no good. over a year, and i still haven't figured out how to stop it. i keep hoping, hoping, hoping that things will finally go my way, and i won't have to worry about figuring it out anymore. but i'm losing hope too. miss optimistic has a hard time looking on the positive side anymore. telling myself "soon" and actually believing it is a thing of the past. i can't lie to myself anymore.

which all means that i'm still stuck here. waiting. waiting for something i can only hope will be worth everything.

i feel so vulnerable. and this is probably crazy talk. it's almost 4 a.m. and i'm still waiting for AIM to finally let me talk. but my eyes are drooping. and all i can do is apologize for not being an insomniac.


xoxo.m