.the night will go as follows.

i don't like nights like this. laying in bed with the covers pulled tight just willing myself to sleep. because there wasn't enough time. because for any type of communication we have to rely on a machine, that too many times isn't reliable at all.

i can't sleep without you.

and more than ever i need to. just to get my mind off the fact that the sheets directly behind me aren't imprinted with you. that the sole source of warmth comes only from my hands, my legs rubbing against each other, and the three layers of sheets and blankets i've tucked around myself.

the dreams that will come will save me from these moments, but when i need them, they seem to come slower than ever.

i know that one day all of these nights will be worth it. but i can't use that as comfort, because it's not real. i can't countdown to something that isn't real. i just need to make this moment better. and the everlasting problem is i don't know how. it's just this cycle of irrational fears and thoughts. they're uncharactaristic for me, but maybe that's just because i've never had anything in my life that means so much to me. that i wanted more than anything to preserve, and more than anything to make real.

if you only knew what you mean to me. my words always seem to fail in my attempt to make you know the extent.

i guess i just have to take comfort in the fact that the pain is there for a reason. pain is always there to tell us something. whether it's to take your hand off the boiling pot, or just to keep holding on because it's worth it.

the fact that you can cause me pain from thousands of miles away means something. and it can only mean one thing. and i'll never let that go.

but it'd just be easier if i could avoid nights like this. or at least be ready for them.


xoxo.m