.in the worst way.

right at this moment i am sitting on my futon with my computer. i'm staring at a blank screen because i finally figured out how to work the DVD player since they took away our cable box. then the DVD crapped out on me. go figure. and i didn't want my movie to get ruined. so i turned it off.

i probably shouldn't be watching anything anyway. i probably should be studying for my history midterm tomorrow. i can guarantee it won't be easy, and it's a significant portion of my grade. and unlike a science or math course, i really care about this one. just not right at this moment.

there's too many other matters that i find far more interesting than studying. e-mails to set up interviews for a sweet story i'm going to write and numerous other things for speakeasy. cleaning my room a bit (it's not terribly messy, but messy enough for me to want to clean it).

oh, and i want to eat. i get hungry every two hours, so i'm way past due for a snack.

sometimes i think i clog my brain up too much. i tend to think a lot. and i mean A LOT. so i revel in the moments when i really don't have to think about the big things. when i can just lay there and soak up an amazing moment. a full, single, simple moment. and when i say 'have to think' i mean there's just something in me that really enjoys it. but then i go completely overboard and completely forget about the little things. and then i start to get annoyed with the big things. then i just get annoyed with people who don't see it my way.

then i just feel annoyed with life.

i know that sounds complicated. try being inside my brain. it's rough sometimes. and sometimes it makes it hard for me to get along with other people. well, it used to. when i was younger anyway. but i think now i'm so used to people not thinking like i do that i've adapted to dealing with it. i've learned what i can reasonably expect from people. so now what makes me annoyed is when that respect isn't returned.

greed. jealousy. superiority and inferiority complexes. all harmful. but we all fall to them sometimes. we're all guilty. but it's really hard to remember we're all guilty. it's much easier to just get annoyed.

we can't escape society and sometimes we let it define us way too much. and then sometimes we try so hard to live outside societal norms that we still let it define us even when we're pretending it doesn't. there's a fine line. a line between too much repression and not enough. radicalism always seems to win out and strike a balance between two polar ends. but when do we start to come full circle? when do we fall to the things we so desperately tried to avoid? and where does that leave the rest?

sometimes it's much easier to give in. to create the "other." and i guess it's okay if there's an "other." the problem is we discriminate against the "other," and we judge the "other," and we pretend that we're just so much better.

sometimes i think that's why i tend to love comedy so much. it reminds me that sometimes i take myself way too seriously. nothing is sacred. the absurdities of everything are exposed (if the comic is intelligent, at least).

after reading hardcore zen, which EVERYONE should read, i found myself crying. okay, that's not unusual for me, i know. but i didn't really know why i was. i wasn't sad. i wasn't happy. but there i was just sitting there.

i wasn't me. i've struggled the past couple years just trying to be me. i found people who helped me do that. it wasn't easy, especially in the face of opposition from people i love and respect, but i did it. i feel more happy and more content with myself than i ever have. and that's my journey. and we all have one. we must always remember that everyone has their own journey. and none of them could be classified as "easy."

but here was me. and i realized how much we all concentrate on "me." "I." "myself." we're ALL so fucking selfish most of the time. and you know what, enough times we balance that selfishness out with other very unselfish deeds and actions. but we tend to isolate ourselves so much. i don't mean being anti-social, i mean seeing ourselves as independent of the universe. the "other." when really we're all the same. the details are just different.

but in the end we share this universe with each other. we're all so deeply connected for reasons that are both completely within the realm of understanding, and completely outside it. but we let the details get in the way. we let our fear get in the way. we group ourselves off. we create the "other." a demon that doesn't agree with us. that doesn't look like us. that doesn't act like us. and somehow we are superior. because we're prettier, smarter, cooler, etc. pick your reason.

then flip it around. because we realize this isn't exactly the best way to go about things, but we need someone to blame for it. so we blame the "other." they're wrong. they forced this on us because we don't agree with them. we're the victims. and all of sudden we're inferior.

buddhists always seem so happy to me. if you've ever seen video or pictures of the dalai lama i guarantee he's probably laughing. or at least smiling.

i can't speak for all buddhists. maybe none of them. but it seems to me that a lot of buddhists (or others that have reached this understanding, you don't have to be buddhists to understand it of course), is that they reached this understanding of oneness with everything in the universe. and since we're all one who cares if we don't look alike or think alike or act alike, because in the end we have a basic bond. a basic link.

so why the need to group each other off? why draw that velvet rope around yourself and "i am this, not this, and you are that"? what does it really matter in the end? we should be celebrating our differences. learning from them. instead it's easier to let them divide.

i keep thinking about some of the things the bands said at bamboozle last year. anthony raneri (bayside's lead singer) said something like this: "this isn't a fucking fashion show. this isn't about who has what haircut. this is life. this is real life. so treat your friends like gold." then spencer chamberlain (underoath lead singer) said: "we are Christians. we do live our lives for Jesus. but you know what, it doesn't matter what you believe."

the cheers these singers got from those lines were incredible. the pessimistic side of me says the cheers just came because people like rallying behind inspirational things, even if they don't particularly find them inspirational. the optimistic side (which usually ultimately wins out) says that struck a chord somewhere, and might pop up years from now when one of those kids is evaluating a particular situation in their lives (ie. right now).

we lose our perspective. and all of sudden we place importance on things that don't really matter in the end.

most people who know me know i love jesus humor. i apologize if any of it is ever offensive. i honestly just don't get organized religion. although, i think jesus was the man. honestly. sometims i think he might be apalled if he came back and saw how his life has been twisted around. but that's beside the point.

just because i don't understand organized religion doesn't mean i think less of those who do get it. just because i'm from a tiny town in northeastern ohio doesn't mean i want to live there my entire life.

just because i dyed my hair black. just because i enjoy roadtrips. just because i get a high from being insanely busy. just because i'd rather curl up in bed and read on a friday night than go out to a bar and get wasted. just because i don't always answer my phone. just because my favorite band is my chemical romance. just because being in and around a body of water makes me calm and have strange revelations. just because i don't think "marriage" is all that important. just because i eat really slow and in small bites. just because i don't smoke. just because i like mosh pits. just because i could mostly give a damn about celebrities. just because my parents' opinions matter to me. just because i paint my nails black. just because i collect buddhist figurines. just because i was a valedictorian. just because i don't always feel like talking. just because i cry a lot just because i don't shower every day. just because i'm not as smart as you might think i am. just because i'm more ambitious than you think i am. just because i don't fit your idea of what you think i should be.

really, none of that means anything. just look at that list - none of that aligns me with one group or one ideology over another. neither my past nor my present nor my possible future will ever match up because each moment in my life is so different. and i'd rather live each moment for myself, as one tiny part of the universe, than live it for someone or something else.

we all know what feels right for us. what makes us happy. what we'd rather not do. what we want from our lives. what we want from each moment. and the beautiful thing is it's always changing. evolving. the danger is letting someone or something else dictate what you want. and the danger is not applying this same respect to everyone else. because we all deserve a chance.

it's a fine line. a fine line that if you cross it will bring you full circle.

if you've stayed with me this far i applaud you. the understanding and organization of my mind is not an easy feat.

to boil this down to one point, it's to not lose perspective. none of us is "perfect" (whatever that even means). none of us will always understand. none of us will balance that line perfectly all the time (except maybe shannon miller).

but we need people and events and time to help us keep things in perspective. it's how we keep functioning.

last night i went out to a party (jenny's birthday party), something i haven't done in a while. but i went with andy, jules and michael. i saw a bunch of people there i've met before but haven't seen in a long time. jenny was having a blast. i wasn't particularly jazzed about going, but sometimes i realize i do need to drop things and go relax for a while.

i had a lot of fun. sometimes i feel really alone here. all those thoughts you just read feel so jumbled and i don't know how i could possibly relate to anyone well enough to have a good time. and that the only person who truly understands me is thousands of miles away. but you know, i had so much fun with people who are passionate about a lot of the same things i am. and i realize that that's what friends are. it's the same reason i became best friends with jess, why i bonded so quickly with alison, why liz and are best friends (and engaged! :-p) even after a first day that seemed like we wouldn't be friends at all, why leah and i became best friends after a chance meeting. people will surprise you. you just have to let them. you can't get so caught up in your own idea of what's best, lock yourself in that velvet rope so tight, that you don't give anyone else a chance to unravel it.

we do that way to often.

i realized i can still hurt. i can feel alone. but i don't have to wrap myself up in the process. just because someone doesn't necessarily understand everything about you, doesn't mean they can't be a good friend. doesn't mean they aren't worth your time. in fact, they may provide you with some much-needed perspective. we've all seen the dangers when we start trusting and and aligning and labeling based on superficial ideals.

and i remember why i am so against the use of stereotypes. why i am so against labels. why i am so against soceietal exclusion. why i hate judgement. i've done it and i've been a victim of it. we all have. why can't we remeber that?

and this is why i can't let that come full circle. because it's so easy to fall into the things that you so desperately tried to avoid.


xoxo.m